Evelyn: You go out with a girl and break up with her hoo-hah can develop a 5'o clock shadow.
Alan: Well, in his defense mom, he's usually paying by the hour.

Evelyn: If you excuse me, I'm going to go drown my sorrows in alcohol.
Charlie: If you're not committed to alcohol, there's a whole big ocean out there.

Don't worry, she doesn't commit suicide, she inspires it.


Jake: I thought you had a date tonight?
Charlie: Not a date. A date experience.
Megan: What's the difference?
Charlie: About $1500.

Charlie: So, Michelle, you've met my mom and my brother. Would you be breaking up with me now or would you prefer to wait until after lunch?
Michelle: I'll wait. I already ordered the soufflé and I understand it's very good here.

Children are God's little way of punishing us for having sex.


Rose: I am getting married next Sunday and I just wanted to let you know before you hear it somewhere else.
Charlie: Where else would I hear it? The society page of the Crazy Bitch Gazette?

Michelle: I could deal with your mother, your brother, your nephew, your housekeeper.
Charlie: Yeah but...
Michelle: Wait a sec, I'm not done.. your drinking, your gambling, your womanizing. But I am not putting up with your stalker.
Charlie: Really, that's where you draw the line? Seems a little arbitrary.

Michelle: I thought I heard man crying.
Charlie: That's nothing, that's just Alan.
Michelle: It's nothing?
Charlie: Yeah, he gets up in the middle of the night to pee. And he can't get back to sleep, so he masturbates. Then he starts crying.
Michelle: That's awful.
Charlie: It's like the ocean, i can't even hear it anymore.

Evelyn: You're a dermatologist. How do I get rid of 170 lb skin tag?
Alan: Excuse me, 164.
Charlie: Really? That's the part of you object to?
Alan: Would you like to be called a 200 lb drunk?
Charlie: 180.
Alan: See?
Charlie: Yeah, well better a lush than a leach.

A doctor? You have access to Charlie's medical records and you still wanted to date him?


Michelle: You have a wonderful son.
Evelyn: Yes I do. But Charlie and Alan must never learn of him.

Two and a Half Men Season 8 Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.