I'm just a normal guy. Not special. No hopes. No dreams. So when I was tasked with trying to transcribe the greatness that is Kenny f**cking Powers, I thought maybe I too could be a champion.
While watching Eastbound & Down season one yet again to capture all the best Kenny Powers quotes is a fun, easy task, deciding between them for this best-of post is not.
So we're not going to waste anymore of this post with our crappy words when Kenny's far more exceptional ones will do the telling. Without further ado, we'll let K Powers wax all philosophical and s**t.
Here's some of our favorite Eastbound & Down quotes from season one. Go ahead and vote for your favorites:
Kenny Powers: Sure, I've been called a xenophobe, but the truth is, I'm not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and the other countries aren't as good. That used to be called patriotism. | permalink
Kenny Powers: A lot of people ask me, 'Kenny Powers, you're a giant superstar. You can get any woman. Have you ever paid for sex?' And the answer is yes, I have. Several times, in fact. And it's actually kinda cool. You can negotiate practically anything and sometimes, even just kind of do stuff in the moment that you never agreed to pay for and it goes by without much argument. | permalink
Kid in Gym Class: My dad said you ruined baseball.
Kenny Powers: You know what? I can already tell that I don't like you. And I'm probably not going to like you no matter how many pull-ups or push-ups you do. If anybody wants to pick on anybody in class, aim for him, cause I aint watching. | permalink
Interviewer: So Kenny, how do you feel about playing for New York?
Kenny: You mean Jew York? It's f**king great. | permalink
Kenny Powers: Some people say that Kenny Powers is a woman hater. That's not true - I love women. Every f*cking one of them, even the ugly as sh*t ones. But don't ask me to trust them. Not even nuns. Because every pair of t*ts comes with a gaping hole of need that even Kenny Powers can't fill. | permalink
Kenny Powers: I have been blessed with many things in this life - an arm like a damn rocket, a c*ck like a burmese python, and the mind of a f*cking scientist. | permalink
Kenny: If there's one thing I hate it's losing. If there's two things I hate it's losing and getting cancer. | permalink
Kenny Powers: There's one thing I have learned through all my adventures and conquests - it's that some people are just wired for success. I had no choice when it came to being great - I just am great. | permalink
Kenny Powers: I don't know what's going on, man. I'm just all jammed up inside. Lost my abilities. Been stripped of all of my god-given talents. Including the talents to be able to have sex with any woman I choose, or throw a f*cking ball fast, or to not prematurely come in my pants. Sometimes I just don't even know which one hurts the most. I'm ashamed of myself. | permalink
Kenny Powers: I just want you to know that I've been thinking alot, about, you know, what happened at the cookout. It's just that we were there, and then we were touching each other, and I saw those t*ts and I started feeling your ass and I started breathing heavy and almost got a headache. Then my vision started to go all colorful. Then I just came in my pants. But I won't do that again. | permalink
Kenny Powers: From this moment forward Kenny Powers is just like everyone else. Normal. Not special. No hopes. No dreams. Pretending to be happy when he's really super sad. Just an average guy with exceptional hair. Nothing more, and nothing less. | permalink
Kenny: Just like Neil Armstrong, I went to space, and now I'm back and nobody gives a s**t. | permalink
Kenny Powers: I mean, no offense, but you got a sh*tty job, you're not quite as tall as me, nobody really respects you. You have me on the other hand. I got the glory, I got the fame, the money, the jewels, the cash, the Denali. Getting drunk on the reg, f*cking good times on the reg, yachts on the reg, sex on the reg... Basically all the sh*t that most guys fantasize about. | permalink
Kenny: You know how you think there's two kinds of lesbians: the really hot ones that are on Cinemax and get it on all the time, and then the really mean ones? Miss Carol is neither of those. | permalink
Eric Hochberger is the programmer of TV Fanatic, so please forgive his mediocre writing. His programming is far better. Follow him on Twitter and/or email him. Just don't request threaded comments. They're coming.