Alex, honey, when you're out shopping, you might want to pick yourself up a training bra. I know you don't need one now but your little boobies are going to come in soon. Mommy loves you, kitten!

Sweetheart I would love to be wrong, but I don't live with the right people for that.

Gloria: I'm pregnant.
Claire: You're gonna get so fat!

Phil: My wife is always so tired and she's always making lists of things for me to do.
Claire: Maybe if you did them she wouldn't be so tired.
Phil: Oh no, she could make lists for days.

Mitchell: You had your own moments. You had cheerleading, and high school plays, and making out with the quarterback...
Claire: Oh come on, you made out with him, too.
Mitchell: Yeah, but we had to keep it a secret.

Claire: Oh thank God, here comes Phil and the butterball.
Manny: Hey, I have a name!!

Claire: I got pregnant with Haley.
Phil: My bad!

Haley: Did my 3rd grade teacher say I have ADD or something.
Claire: No honey she said you couldn't A-D-D because she also knew you couldn't S-P-E-L-L.

Your kids don't need to know who you were before you had them; they need to know who you wish you were, and try to live up to that person. They're gonna fall short, but better they fall short of the fake you than the real you.

You know how growing up we all have that voice inside our head that tells us we're not good enough? Well, mine was outside my head driving me to school

I just wanted to spend my night with some fun gay people. It's not my fault this one decided to be straight!

I have 3 kids, I've been tired since 2005.

Modern Family Quotes

That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.

Phil

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay