Haley [smells pot]: Hey! Smells like a party!
Claire: Back inside.
Haley: Ok.

I know you think you discovered the new you, but you're controlling even when you're trying to not be controlling.

Mitchell [to Claire]

Claire: We are having fun.
Mitchell: You are. I'm just doing what you're making me do.

Claire: Don't you need to check IDs?
Bouncer: No sorry, we don't offer a senior discount.

Sweetheart you've had 2 boyfriends in 30 seconds, that's practically Haley's record!

Claire: Who's Victor? We never heard about him.
Haley: Oh because I knew you'd never let me go out with an ex con.

Phil: Sometimes a boy might be a good distraction. I remember a certain young lady who was pretty addicted to Miss Pacman until a dashing young gent caught her eye.
Claire: Only because you were wearing a feather earring.
Phil: It wasn't a feather, it was a dreamcatcher. And it worked.

Claire: Welcome to the insane asylum of from hell!
Phil: That's what it feels like.

Claire: You gonna put some blood on that? Maybe dangle an eyeball?
Phil: Who hurt you? I'm kidding, I know it's Jay and Dede.

I wanna hear your point but right now this magic juice is gonna help mama turn that bathtub into a swim up bar.

Claire: Haley I need the wifi corner get down.
Haley: Ugh! I need Instagram to know there's still beauty in the world!

Claire: Why are you trying to turn this into a fight? I called to yell at you for getting me sick. Love you, bye.
Mitchell: I love you too.