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Dee: Yeah, and Charlie, you find Mac's arguments to be fairly credible and convincing?
Charlie: I do. Yeah, he makes a lot of good points. He's a good judge and... he's an even better bailiff.

Dee: Dennis, you don't want to go anywhere near a court. How many bench warrants for sexual misconduct do you have? Yeah, and Frank, how many unregistered guns do you have in your car right now?
Frank: A lot.

Frank: Thanks for coming. A little overdressed.
Dee: You said it was a classy affair, Frank
Frank: It was 'til you showed up.
Dee: You bitch!
Frank: Where are your 101 Dalmatians tonight?

Dee: I'll make you my king. Just accept my request to consummate.
Charlie: Consummate? What is that?
Dee: Have sex.
Charlie: Oh. So, um... we should have sex then?
Dee; In the game.
Charlie: Yeah, in the game. So, uh, push enter hard? Or one slow push and you do your thing?
Dee: just push the button, Charlie.

Dennis: Real women don't even look like that.
Dee: Hey, guys!
Dennis: That (*points to Dee*) is what real women look like.
Mac: Dee, are you sick?
Dee: No! I feel great. I haven't been able to shower in a couple days. I've been gaming like a loon.

Bill: Oh, so you've looked over the proposal?
Dee [as Prudence, in a horrible Canadian accent]: Yah, i sure did and I
tell you what - I seen better lookin' moose turds in Rick Moranis'
backyard, ya hosers.

Frank: You're losing your mind. You're being scammed.
Dee: I'm losing my mind? How many pairs of shoes have you lost this month, Frank?
Frank: (looks down, sees his own bare feet) Three... four!

Bill Ponderosa: Dee's Nuts! What's the haps? Take a sip (offers glass of milk) straight from the cow's titty!
Dee: No, I gotta get outta here. Everyone's going crazy.
Bill Ponderosa: No, no. The party's just startin'. You gotta have some. Come on, try it. It'll loosen you up a bit. Make your butthole hot!

Frank: (to Liam) I understand the McPoyle bloodline is very strong.
Liam: Legions of us, thousands sturdy, once ruled this fine land. Our bloodline was as pure as the driven snow.
Dee: Then what happened?
Liam: Syphilis killed about half of us.

Frank: (*after a bat bites him*) I just got tagged by a bat! I got tagged! Suck out the poison, Dee! I'll give you $200 if you suck it out.
(*Dee sucks on Frank's head*)
Frank: Suck it harder!
Mac: Did you swallow it?!
Dee: Yeah, I swallowed it.
Mac: Make yourself throw up!
Charlie: You swallowed the poison!
Dennis: Bats don't have poison!

Frank: We take you to a titty bar and you say no to us. We bring you
to this place with all these juicy dongs and you shut us down. What
team are you playing for?
Dee: Hold on a second, Frank. I think I know what's going on here.
This man has been realigned. He's a 'yestergay'.
Frank: What's a 'yestergay'?
Dee: A lot of gay men bounce around from label to label never finding
their proper gay home. My hunch is that this gentleman has gone from a
twink to a twunk to a twank.
Frank: What's a twunk?
Dee: Twink and a hunk. A Twink with muscles but still hairless.
Frank: So smooth.
Dee: Oh, incredibly smooth. A twank on the other hand, that's no good.
That's a twink and a skank. Essentially a rag doll that's been tossed
around from twink to twunk to bear to otter.
Frank: Wait, wait, wait a minute. What's an otter?
Dee; Subsection of bear. Still hairy but whereas a bear generates his
power through sheer mass alone, the otter generates his power through
extraordinary quickness, cunning, and skill.

Dee [re: the lawyer]: Wow, what an asshole.
Dennis: You are killing a man, you know that, right?
Doctor: There's a lot of mercy in this decision. I commend it.
Dennis: Technically, we gave the order to him to give to you.
Dee: Yeah, if you feel like commending, if you're in the mood for commending...
Dennis: If you're going to throw some commendations around...

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 114 in total

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It's Always Sunny Quotes

Principal: I'm a little confused, are you telling me this photo of Bruce Jenner is your resume?
Charlie: Well, when I showed up this morning I didn't have a formal resume on me so i was sort of hoping the photograph of Mr. Jenner could represent the standard of excellence I'm hoping to bring to his position.
Principal: And you're looking for a job as a substitute teacher?
Charlie: Substitute janitor.

Dennis: I am having feelings again. Like some kind of fourteen year old kid. You remember, feelings right?
Mac: Yeah. I have feelings every single day of my life.
Dennis: Do you?
Mac: Are you saying you don't have feelings?
Dennis: What I'm saying is a built up a shell.. a shell around myself. A cold, calculated shell that couldn't be broken by anything but marriage.

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