NCIS

Tuesdays 8:00 PM on CBS
Ncis
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Ducky: Allow me to impart a little bit of wisdom that I have given to each and every aspiring agent before you, on this your probie eval day. Don't fret your number. Jethro gives low scores to push you.
Bishop: Wait. What?
Palmer: The lower your score, the more potential Gibbs thinks you have.
Bishop: So if you got a high score?
Ducky: Then, I would advise you to turn in your badge

Ducky: I think I hear my pillow calling. Unless, of course, you'd like to talk about the real reason you're down here?
Bishop: A suspect got away because of me. I completely screwed up, Ducky. And I went to Gibbs to explain but he said it was fine. Which, I know it's not. And...
Ducky: Eleanor, when the world overwhelms I find the best thing to do is to start by accomplishing just one little thing.
Bishop: I really don't think I can do that anymore.
Ducky: If you actually believe that - why are you sitting on the frigid floor, in the middle of the night?

Ducky: What happens when frogs park illegally?
Palmer: They get towed

Bishop: Whoa. Is that you?
Ducky: Yes. Hard to believe, isn't it?
Bishop: You were hot, like really really....never mind.
Ducky: I really loved that turtleneck.

Ducky: I can still save your life.
Godfrey: Oh yeah?
Ducky: There is still time.
Godfrey: All mouth and no trousers, this one.
Ducky: You feeling light-headed? I just nicked your brachial artery. You'll be dead in less than ninety seconds.
Godfrey: Having trouble breathing.
Ducky: Yes, that would be your dying of hypo-bulimic shock. The sweating and chest pains are normal. Seventy seconds.
Godfrey: You have to do something.
Ducky: No I don't. But if you tell me why my best friend is dead, I'll consider it. Sixty seconds.
Godfrey: We were running a prostitution ring out of Angus' hotel.
Margaret: My husband would never let you do that.
Godfrey: He didn't have a choice. We told him if he ratted us out we'd kill you. He was a sneaky one.
Ducky: Angus found out that you were also running a smuggling ring in the U.S. He tried to get the evidence to me. He hoped that NCIS would take you down. That you'd go to jail and never know who sent you there. Angus would be free. But it didn't quite work out that way, did it?
Godfrey: We found his email to Colpepper. Couldn't let him talk. That's all I know. Fix my arm already.
Ducky: No. No that's not all you know. You said we were running a prostitution ring. You're just an errand boy, a go-fer. Put in place to keep an eye on Angus. So who's really in charge? Is it someone you're willing to die for? If so, you're welcome to be my guest.

Margaret: I thought you hated bow ties.
Ducky: I do. They're impossible to keep straight.
Margaret: Why are you stlll---

Margaret: Why didn't you ever marry? You had so much love to give.
Ducky: A colleague and a very good friend of mine lost his soul mate. And then he nearly wrecked his life marrying the wrong woman over and over, trying to find her again. I chose to skip that part.

Vance: Surgeon didn't pull any punches. He asked me if I had my life in order.
Ducky: And do you?
Vance: No. Since Jackie's death I haven't been able to focus. I haven't redone my will, nor have I made any provision for the care of my children.

Ducky: Kiddos? Plural? You and Breena are expecting twins?
Palmer: Oh I thought I told you, doctor. Once we found out we were pregnant we decided that it was a sign that we were meant to have two. So, you know, we're going to adopt a second eventually.
Ducky: Why not a third or a fourth? Two boys and two girls. I can see it now. You and Breena with a row of ducklings following behind.
Palmer: I can see it too.

Tony: Oui, oui, monsieur. Je suis very special Agent DiNozzo.
Ducky: The French do see arrogance as a virtue. So you'll be welcome there. But remember: in France, only tip 6%.

Gibbs: The VA's got a lot of programs for vets, Doc. I wonder why Durbin was living on the streets.
Ducky: I recently read a HUD report. It estimates on any given night, between fifty and sixty thousand men and women who have served, are sleeping on the streets or in shelters.

Gibbs: What do you think, Duck?
Ducky: It was not that texting driver that killed the ensign, but that damned fool should be stripped of both his phone and his car.

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 48 in total

NCIS Quotes

McGee: All right. Well you should probably know that Abby and I used to date?
Bishop: Ew. Like, each other?
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: Wait - isn't that a violation of rule 12, never date a....
McGee: It was a long time ago. After we'd broken up, one night I went to her lab. Found a scribbled piece paper; a list. Potential boyfriends had to fulfill certain conditions by a pre-arranged date or else, goodbye.
Bishop: Such as.
McGee: Things started off relatively normal: opening the door for her, flowers, putting the seat down. Then around number 8, it gets uh...
Bishop: What?
McGee: Does she know you have these?
Bishop: Does she know you have these?
McGee: Yeah she wasn't happy when she found out.
Bishop: These are all very specific.
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: These ideas apply to you?
McGee: No those rules weren't in place when we were together. At least I don't think so.
Bishop: What's with the two month cutoff? Abby's sabotaging herself. I've seen stuff like this before. We have to talk to her.

McGee: Rule number 70 - keep digging till you hit bottom.
Abby: McGee! There is no rule 70.
McGee: Well, I--
Abby: You just made up a rule. This McGibbs thing has really gone to your head. I don't even recognize you right now.