NCIS

Tuesdays 8:00 PM on CBS
Ncis
TV Fanatic Works Better with Prime Instant Video
40,000 other titles are available to watch now.

NCIS quotes are a big reason to watch the show. The one-liners delivered by the characters in jest and the lightning-quick exchanges as they pertain to the cases make for terrific viewing.

Suffering the consequences of the rules is like being sent to your room without dinner. You know dad when you did that, mom always brought me a grilled ham and cheese twenty minutes later.

McGee

Heidi: Those are sorry excuses for personal computers. Nice monitors.
McGee: They're government issued.
Heidi: By the First Continental Congress?

It just occurred to me that rules number 3, 8, 36 and 40 are the same thing. With two rule number 1s and two number 3s I'm starting to question that these are honest mistakes. Is Gibbs making up these rules as he goes? Do all parents?

McGee

McGee: Boss can you give that to someone else? I can't take it anymore. I said from the beginning that this wasn't going to work. It's a waste of time. These guys are criminals, they're not worth it.
Gibbs: McGee. Rule 51
McGee: 51? What...?
Gibbs: I wrote it down once.

Tony: Notice anything different McGee? We installed the new computer monitors.
McGee: You touched my desk?
Tony: It was their idea.
Kevin: We wanted to thank you.
Khan: No we--don't say that out loud.
McGee: No no no, this monitor should be more to the left.
Tony: Okay let's go to the van. Nobody needs to see this part of Tim McGee. C'mon IT Kevin.
McGee: Come on. Didn't even bundle all the cables.

Every moment with you from growing up to these last few days. It meant something to me. It takes a man to make a man. You've helped make me one. Before I say goodbye dad, I just want to say thank you for everything. Merry Christmas dad. I love you.

McGee

Jake: Agent DiNozzo, I presume?
Tony: The elusive Jake. It's nice to know Bishop hasn't been catfishing us all year. I was starting to wonder.
Bishop: Well you can stop wondering, Tony. As you can see, Jake is quite real.
Tony: Unless he's a hologram who can shake hands.
Jake: NSA is actually working on one of those, I've seen the prototype.
Tony: Yeah that'd be pretty fun. Really?
Jake: No.
Tony: Had me, for a second. That's too bad, because I'd like one of those. I like him, he's quick.

Bishop: Excuse me. Hey, I said excuse me.
Jake: Is there a problem, sir?
Murderer: I don't know, is there?
Jake: I heard my wife say "excuse me", just now. Doesn't that get an "excuse me" in return?
Bishop: It's all right. Some people just have better manners than others.
Dobbs: It's okay, miss. Your husband's right. My bad.

Tony: I hate couples.
Bishop: You asked how we met.
Jake: Granted, you kind of had to be there.
Tony: Oh no, not you guys. You're great. Just couples in general.

Palmer: Well there's Dirk, if it's a boy obviously. Or Oskar, with a "K".
Abby: Oskar Palmer. It's a lot of "Rs".
Palmer: If it's a girl, we're thinking Frieda, Greta, Liesl. Something von Trappish.

Bishop: His gun's gone, Tony.
Tony: Great. We're snowed in here with an airport filled with cranky passengers, a dead fake Air Marshall and his killer on the loose somewhere on the loose with a knife and a gun. Anybody else feel like they're playing Clue?

Tony: Maybe that's why we never see Jake. Maybe she ate him.
Bishop: Or maybe he's just busy.
Tony: Or maybe you had him with fava beans, and a nice Chianti

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 720 in total
NCIS quotes are not to be missed. The crime solving is great and all, but the one-liners from the characters - and Tony's movie quotes, and Gibbs' one-word zingers - are often some of the most memorable parts of a given episode. Be it simple or profound, the show has a way of amping up the drama when it matters most and using levity to keep things grounded. NCIS quotes cover the full spectrum and then some.

NCIS Quotes

McGee: All right. Well you should probably know that Abby and I used to date?
Bishop: Ew. Like, each other?
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: Wait - isn't that a violation of rule 12, never date a....
McGee: It was a long time ago. After we'd broken up, one night I went to her lab. Found a scribbled piece paper; a list. Potential boyfriends had to fulfill certain conditions by a pre-arranged date or else, goodbye.
Bishop: Such as.
McGee: Things started off relatively normal: opening the door for her, flowers, putting the seat down. Then around number 8, it gets uh...
Bishop: What?
McGee: Does she know you have these?
Bishop: Does she know you have these?
McGee: Yeah she wasn't happy when she found out.
Bishop: These are all very specific.
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: These ideas apply to you?
McGee: No those rules weren't in place when we were together. At least I don't think so.
Bishop: What's with the two month cutoff? Abby's sabotaging herself. I've seen stuff like this before. We have to talk to her.

McGee: Rule number 70 - keep digging till you hit bottom.
Abby: McGee! There is no rule 70.
McGee: Well, I--
Abby: You just made up a rule. This McGibbs thing has really gone to your head. I don't even recognize you right now.