Dwight Schrute Quotes
Dwight: Do you know how to use that?
Andy: To change tires? No. But it's metal. I can hit somebody with it.
The only way to stop a bully is to stand up to him. Trust me - I've bullied a lot of people.
I'm ravenous after a night of love making.
Michael: They're men, Dwight.
Dwight: I love finding a good set of twins.
Dwight: In 1996, her volleyball team went 10-2.
Michael: What am I supposed to do with that?
Dwight: That's a very good record.
A three-ounce fetus is calling the shots. That's so bad ass.
Dwight: Are we idiots? What right, does Jim have to claim authority? Is he as good a salesman as I? Is he as matronly as Phyllis? There are moments where we can affect change. For a few seconds every decade... We exist. These are those seconds! Let us storm his castle. Come on! (Tick.) Let's get him. (Tock.) Let's get Jim! (Tick.) And drag Jim out of his office. (Tock.) Take his keys away from him! (Tick!) That's a clock! The time is getting very close. It's now or never. [screams] What say you!
Phyllis: I say no.
Dwight: No I mean, what do you say to my plan.
I deserved that promotion, not Jim. It makes me want to put him in a triangle chokehold, and force him down to the ground and just keep pressing and pressing and then flip him over and put him in a hammerlock! And he's gasping! He's panicking. Every last breath! And the crowd is going crazy. And boom! I emerge victorious! Ah-ha! Eighteen thousand dollars and a chance at the title! Whewhaa!
People are starting to notice how terrible Jim is. It's great. Eventually they'll rise up and revolt. My only hope is they do it sooner rather than later. If people here were our founding fathers the Revolutionary War would've been delayed ten years. Because Stanley Washington was napping. And Phyllis Hancock was still signing the Declaration. And Kevin Jefferson was distracted by a butterfly.
Darryl: Toby! Dwight! You come to my house? Bust up my trash cans? Call my baby sister an a$$hole and tell her to eat dog food?
Dwight: We thought she was you.
Darryl: How would you think a lady is me?
Dwight: [pause] Are you serious? Because you look exactly alike?
Toby: I don't see it.
Dwight: He's lying.
Toby: He has a doctor's note.
Dwight: From who, Dr. J? You really need to investigate this. People don't just fall off ladders.
Toby: A guy on my street fell off a ladder. It was on the news?
Dwight: Since when have you known Darryl to rush to do anything, other than to come up here for birthday cake? [lowers voice] "Y'all havin' birthday cake?"
Toby: That's not a very good Darryl.
