Paul: Look, I just want to move this place fast. I'll do whatever we have to do.
Edie: Well, that's good to know. You do realize that you're going to have to disclose the fact that your wife killed herself in the house.
Paul: I am?
Edie: Oh, yeah. Legal crap. You know, people get really freaked out by suicides. You can't blame them. Hell, I get the willies just standing here.
Paul: Is there any way to get around it?
Edie: Off the record? You could say that she shot herself in the living room, and then crawled out back to die

I hate Susan Mayer. Everytime I see those big doe eyes of hers, I swear to God I just want to go out and shoot a deer

Oh God, look at all these things, all these beautiful things that my ex-husbands worked so hard for, burnt to a crisp

Desperate Housewives Quotes

Lynette: Now listen to me, you are going to behave. I will not be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And just so you know that I'm serious, I am. (She pulls out paper)
Porter: What's that?
Lynette: Santa's cell phone number!
Preston: How'd you get that?
Lynette: I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas! All right, are you willing to risk that!?

You're the one with the problem, all right. You're the one who's acting she's running for mayor of Stepford.

Andrew