J.D.: Two and a half weeks is too long to wait for a third date.
Kim: I'm pregnant.
J.D.: What now?

J.D.: You do the Zoom Zoom?
Kim: Of course. I invented the Zoom Zoom.
J.D.'s Narration: Liar!

J.D.: I have to get ready man. I want my date with Kim to be perfect. What do you think about a romantic horseback ride on the beach?
Turk: Ooh, like you and I did for your birthday.
J.D.: Yeah but except this time with two horses.

And there it was, the moment where pity was turning into genuine affection - classic Dorian.

J.D.: Gloria, I need you to change the dressing on Mr. Curnses wound.
Gloria: And I need you to suck it!
J.D.: Wow Gloria! Do you kiss your great great great great great grand kids with that mouth? Zoom Zoom Zoom!

Kim: See ya round six, wear something slutty. Zoom, zoom, zoom!
J.D.:It's mine.

Kim: So, Josh, you are suffering from a condition called phimosis. It's basically a hardening of your foreskin. As part of your treatment, I'm going to ask that you masturbate five times a week.
J.D.'s narration: Help the poor kid out...
J.D.: Wow five times a week, huh? For me that would be cutting back!
J.D.'s narration: He said in front of his future girlfriend.
J.D.: You know what? I should probably mosey.

J.D.: Hey Tubby!
Carla: Oh J.D., I want you to feel the baby, come here quick!
(J.D. leans in to feel, at which point Carla smacks J.D.'s ears)
Don't call me tubby!
J.D.'s Narration: Pregnant witch!

J.D.: I was going to make you dinner and then go to karaoke but I don't know how to do both the same night...Unless of course...
Elliot: J.D., not floating head doctor.
J.D.: Too late, I'm already there.

Elliot: Tell me every detail about the first date.
Kim: We went horseback riding on the beach.
Elliot: Ah yes, I have been on that date.
Kim: Oh really?
J.D.: What? I had a coupon.

Head loves karaoke.

Kim: Well I'm up for anything. I married my high school boyfriend, so the only first date I ever went on was in tenth grade. It began with me sitting in the back seat of his Miata because his friend Benny called shotgun and ended with us going to the arcade to, and I quote, "eat pizza and beat up nerds." And I married that guy.
J.D.: Well trust me, Kim, I've beaten up many nerds in my day. But tonight's about you having the very best first date ever.
Kim: Alright, sluggah!
Elliot/J.D.: Byyyeee.
Elliot: You don't have anything planned do you?
J.D.: You had to soil the whole food court thing. It's Veal Picatta Night at Sbarros.

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 1681 in total

Scrubs Quotes

J.D.: Hey, I heard a great joke. A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"
J.D.'s narration: Oh, no, I forgot the punchline... You can't bail out now! Stall! Stall!
J.D.: ...So the moth says "That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I...I do dabble in orthodontry - braces and such." And... and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
J.D.'s narration: "The light was on"!
J.D.: "But! To answer your original question, which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office? The answer is, Because the light was on!" The light! The light, James. Moths love light. So, James, other than your funny bone being broken, what seems to be the problem?

J.D.: My man Turk, is getting it daily and nightly and ever so rightly! Ah! What up, dogg!
J.D.'s narration: Once every 4.2 seconds a man says something stupid that a woman hears and punishes him for... luckily, this wasn't one of those times.
Carla: What did you just say?
J.D.: "What up...dogg?"

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