Popular Jeff Barnes Quotes
Captain Awesome: Okay, so how did everyone come with their chest compression?
(Captain Awesome walks into the room and sees Buy More employees beating up their aquatic dolls.)
Captain Awesome: Come on guys, what's wrong with you?
Jeff: I drink too much.
Lester: My parents had impossible standards.
(Morgan is trapped in the Buy More Door)
Morgan: Jeff, open the door, buddy.
Lester: Open the door.
Jeff: Got it.
(The outer door opens)
Morgan: Okay. Nice, Jeff. Now can you open the door that is currently chopping me in half?
Jeff: (snatching up the customer comment card and shouting) Four stars! I just kissed your ass for four lousy stars! What do you people want from me? Just spit in my face next time.
Morgan: Hey Jeff. How's it going man? You alright?
Jeff: I think I'm getting the hang of this customer service thing.
Morgan: Alright, just to be absolutely clear, our position on "Employee of the Month" is that we don't care. Are you guys with me?
Jeff: Yep. Not caring. Not a rat's ass.
Lester: Not a fat and/or hairy one.
Jeff: Wait, why don't we care again?
Morgan: Because "Employee of the Month" is a scam and working hard is for suckers.
Ned: Chuck, you've been a good friend to me, so I'm gonna return the favor, I'm gonna let your girlfriend go.
Chuck: No.
Ellie: Chuck.
Jeff: Ouch!
Lester: Yikes, you get cold Christmases at the Bartowski's.
Buy More Employee: Oh no, he didn't.
Lester: How much do you think a toe is worth to Casey?
Jeff: Why?
Lester: Maybe there's a finder's fee.
Ellie: You're gonna be okay, John. A lot of people get by with nine toes.
Jeff: I'm getting by fine with eight.
Morgan: May I present to you the urinal cake. Okay. Here's the deal. The winner will be the first one of you...
(Jeff takes a bite out of the urinal cake)
Butterman: Oh, come on!
Morgan: (to Jeff) Dude, seriously, are you kidding me? What is wrong with you? You were just supposed to touch it.
Jeff: I still win, right?
Jeff: This is what we've always wanted for Jeffster; we started a small venue like this, pretty soon where playing the big time.
Lester: Yeah, sure we're gonna blow their minds but uh...where's all this lead? Stadium, groupies, drugs, creative differences and then what? Jeffster breaks up, that's you and me, Jeff, and then what's my fate? Some chamber maid finds me in a hotel having accidentally asphyxiated making love to myself? It's just not worth it.
Jeff: You got any idea what Ellie and Awesome thought about Jeffster? I mean, we didn't fully play out, but if you could put in a good word...?
Chuck: Jeff, I don't understand anything that just came out of your mouth, but the truth is, I don't care. I know that you think my concerns are no bigger than the weekend weather or whatever's new in the snack machine, but I have the weight of the damn world on my shoulders. So, if you don't mind, figure out your own crap.
Chuck: Wait a minute. You guys have a band?
Jeff: Jeff.
Lester: Lester.
Jeff and Lester: (together) Jeffster!
Chuck: That seems very fitting.
Jeff: Originally, we were going to go with the name Jester, but we didn't want people to associate us with a couple of fools.
Casey: Where's the fish?
Jeff: Fish? What fish?
Casey: Okay we can do it the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is I shove his foot up your ass.
Jeff: What's the hard way?
Casey: I use my foot!
