Popular Jeff Barnes Quotes
Jeff: Does it shock you that 80% of my encounters with women have been completely without their knowledge?
Chuck: Honestly, I'm more surprised by the other 20%, Jeff.
Big Mike: Grimes! Or should I call you son? Who the hell are all those geeks over there at the Customer Service desk?
Morgan: You were supposed to hire the new green-shirt today.
Big Mike: You want to do the interview? Get a little taste of what the power of management is?
Morgan: Hm...why can't you do it?
Big Mike: Well, your mama asked me to stop by the house today to take care of a few things. There hasn't been a man around in a while and certain things have become...neglected.
Jeff: Like what?
Big Mike: Uh, the plumbing's a mess. I got to get over there and get to lay down some pipe. I got to snake the drain, make sure everything running smoothly again. You're in charge, son. Just think: all of this could be yours some day.
(Morgan discussing the misunderstanding with Anna)
Lester: Oh buddy, you are screwed.
Morgan: No, actually I think if I tell her the truth at this point that'll end the sexual component of our relationship.
Jeff: And I'll be there to pick up the pieces.
Lester: (About Anna) My God, could she really be...unrepulsable?
Morgan: I'm beginning to think so.
Jeff: No, sir. Not on my watch.
Morgan: What are you suggesting?
Jeff: You're going to need a quart of peanut oil, some bubble wrap and as much yarn as you can find.
Lester: Morgan. All you have to do is convince Anna that moving in with you is a bad idea.
Morgan: Okay, but how am I gonna...
Lester: Shhh, bubeleh, you've come to the right place. Repulsion is our business.
Jeff: And business is good.
Jeff: Morgan Grimes is so tired of listening to Big Mike punch his momma's time clock, that he actually showed up for work on time today.
Lester: Okay, okay, well Morgan Grimes is so disturbed by what Big Mike is doing to his momma, that the thought of Jeff doing the same thing to Anna is actually sweet, sweet relief.
Jeff: Oh snap.
Morgan: That's good. Laugh it up, fuzzballs.
(Chuck, Lester and Jeff are looking at the Buy More interior which is covered in toilet paper)
Chuck: What? When did this happen?
Lester: During the night. Look on the bright side. Don't have to buy TP for, like, years.
Jeff: Why start now?
(The Buy more gang tries to kidnap Chuck in ninja suits, when Casey stops it and orders them to take the masks off and un-tie Chuck)
Lester: Man up, Charles.
Chuck: Why would you do this to me?
Morgan: I'm sorry man, it was a practice run for when we kidnap Awesome for his bachelor party.
Chuck: You guys aren't even invited.
Lester: What finer way to be invited than to kidnap the guest of honor.
Jeff: A bachelor party is a mythical place where booze and women are free...it's Xanadu.
Lester: Good morning, Big Michael!
Big Mike: Where the hell did you come from?
Jeff: We have a proposition for you.
Big Mike: I'll pass, excuse me...
Lester: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Two words. NextExpo.
Jeff: That's one word.
Lester: Stop counting.
Lester: I mean, people, do you have any idea what working with fried food would do to my complexion?
Jeff: I can't leave the Buy More. I won't survive in the real world. I'm institutionalized.
I can't...tell you how many times I defiled myself at work. Emmett cured me of that. Now I only violate myself at home or in the car. But never in the Nerd Herder.
Jeff: (as Morgan walks in) I smell bacon. Anyone else smell pig?
Lester: I seem to detect the odor of the forbidden meat.
Morgan: Okay, knock it off. Listen to me, guys; we need to apologize to Emmett for blowing the power. Otherwise he is going to can you.
Jeff: Nice try. Get us to apologize so we look like asses, lose all our street cred.
