Jeff Barnes Quotes
Big Mike: Grimes! Or should I call you son? Who the hell are all those geeks over there at the Customer Service desk?
Morgan: You were supposed to hire the new green-shirt today.
Big Mike: You want to do the interview? Get a little taste of what the power of management is?
Morgan: Hm...why can't you do it?
Big Mike: Well, your mama asked me to stop by the house today to take care of a few things. There hasn't been a man around in a while and certain things have become...neglected.
Jeff: Like what?
Big Mike: Uh, the plumbing's a mess. I got to get over there and get to lay down some pipe. I got to snake the drain, make sure everything running smoothly again. You're in charge, son. Just think: all of this could be yours some day.
Jeff: This is what we've always wanted for Jeffster; we started a small venue like this, pretty soon where playing the big time.
Lester: Yeah, sure we're gonna blow their minds but uh...where's all this lead? Stadium, groupies, drugs, creative differences and then what? Jeffster breaks up, that's you and me, Jeff, and then what's my fate? Some chamber maid finds me in a hotel having accidentally asphyxiated making love to myself? It's just not worth it.
Jeff: Does it shock you that 80% of my encounters with women have been completely without their knowledge?
Chuck: Honestly, I'm more surprised by the other 20%, Jeff.
Chuck: Wait a minute. You guys have a band?
Jeff: Jeff.
Lester: Lester.
Jeff and Lester: (together) Jeffster!
Chuck: That seems very fitting.
Jeff: Originally, we were going to go with the name Jester, but we didn't want people to associate us with a couple of fools.
Jeff: You got any idea what Ellie and Awesome thought about Jeffster? I mean, we didn't fully play out, but if you could put in a good word...?
Chuck: Jeff, I don't understand anything that just came out of your mouth, but the truth is, I don't care. I know that you think my concerns are no bigger than the weekend weather or whatever's new in the snack machine, but I have the weight of the damn world on my shoulders. So, if you don't mind, figure out your own crap.
Morgan: May I present to you the urinal cake. Okay. Here's the deal. The winner will be the first one of you...
(Jeff takes a bite out of the urinal cake)
Butterman: Oh, come on!
Morgan: (to Jeff) Dude, seriously, are you kidding me? What is wrong with you? You were just supposed to touch it.
Jeff: I still win, right?
Lester: How much do you think a toe is worth to Casey?
Jeff: Why?
Lester: Maybe there's a finder's fee.
Ellie: You're gonna be okay, John. A lot of people get by with nine toes.
Jeff: I'm getting by fine with eight.
Ned: Chuck, you've been a good friend to me, so I'm gonna return the favor, I'm gonna let your girlfriend go.
Chuck: No.
Ellie: Chuck.
Jeff: Ouch!
Lester: Yikes, you get cold Christmases at the Bartowski's.
Buy More Employee: Oh no, he didn't.
Jeff: (snatching up the customer comment card and shouting) Four stars! I just kissed your ass for four lousy stars! What do you people want from me? Just spit in my face next time.
Morgan: Hey Jeff. How's it going man? You alright?
Jeff: I think I'm getting the hang of this customer service thing.
Morgan: Alright, just to be absolutely clear, our position on "Employee of the Month" is that we don't care. Are you guys with me?
Jeff: Yep. Not caring. Not a rat's ass.
Lester: Not a fat and/or hairy one.
Jeff: Wait, why don't we care again?
Morgan: Because "Employee of the Month" is a scam and working hard is for suckers.
(Morgan is trapped in the Buy More Door)
Morgan: Jeff, open the door, buddy.
Lester: Open the door.
Jeff: Got it.
(The outer door opens)
Morgan: Okay. Nice, Jeff. Now can you open the door that is currently chopping me in half?
