I know you're not a stripper, but is there any way you can take your short pants off?

I'm sorry for my friend objectifying you, but in her defense, you are fine as hell.

It's like my hearing is what a dog hears.

Welcome to your bachelorette party 2.0.

I said chill day in, but did I mean it?

Is this change of plans an overreaction to something?

Jess: Nick, are you eating raisins from my purse? I confiscated those from a kid.
Nick: That explains why they're so sticky. Sticky Nicky eats anything and I don't get sick.

Jess: I just want to say I'm honored you're trusting me.
Schmidt: Oh, I'm not.

Oh my god, I'm going to be friends with a gas celebrity.

This looks like an ad for a bong making company.

Jess: Sometimes I think I was bred in a lab to help people.
Winston: You know what else they bred in a lab? Pugs.

I do all her work and she does all the working of her cleavage.

New Girl Quotes

Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.

Schmidt

Beans are nothing but soggy nuts!

Schmidt