Jess: So you want us to come out so that you can go back to hooking up with all the hot teachers?
Coach: Very much so.

We're just covering our asses, while you're uncovering yours.

If you feel things getting sexual say, "shut it down!"

He looked nice in the picture! The frame cut off the bottom of his beard, so how was I to know it was braided into a beardy-tail? He asked me to the food court near his house; I thought that was down-to-earth, and I like that. He didn't bring any money, so we had to go back to his apartment, and also he wanted to show me some of his old baby clothes.

"Hubba, hubba, mama in trubba."

I know I'm gullible because a lot of people tell me that and I have no reason not to believe them.

Them's joint bank account eyes.

I'm gonna Biden his ass!

Jess: Where are you guys going?
Biology Teacher: In life, nowhere.

Jess: Nick calls birds 'wind-mice.' Nick says 'yahtzee' when he climaxes. He calls turtles 'shell-beavers.'
Nick: Well, that's what they should be called.

What's up, Coach? You have so many sweatpants! You need to buy normal pants!

Nick: I know where you live!
Jess: And I live where you live!

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

I don't know the words!

Jess