Jess: So Nick doesn't have a traditional career.
Nick: Or is it the MOST traditional career? Or am I thinking of prostitution?

I thought you said you were afraid of camping and nature. You said you were afraid a fly was going to fly in your head and learn all your thoughts.

Nick doesn't have a life plan. He doesn't have a day plan. I once found a note that he wrote to himself that said, "Put on pants."

I call it a "Temple Grandin," because it makes me friendly and compassionate.

Nick isn't even a man. He's some kind of man-boy, man-child hybrid. The other day, I had to tell him not to pull a dog's tail.

Schmidt, you stole my toothpaste while I was using it. That's vindictive.

Winston: Schmidt, you can't move out! Who's gonna do my fades?!
Jess: Yeah, who's gonna do his fades?!

I'm having a party tonight and I can't have him lying on the couch, wiping his tears with deli meat.

My boyfriend doesn't believe in banks. It's early in the relationship. I'm still shaving above the knee. Know what I mean?

Oh my God. It is a hand...full of dollar bills y'all!

Nick: It's Schmidt we're talking about here. After we saw the movie "Titanic," he started the Billy Zane Fan Club.
Jess: What?!
Nick: Look it up. They're called Zane-iacs.

Jess: I have to show Nick...something in the bathroom.
Nick: It's tiles...I'm so bad at lying! It's for sex!

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

Schmidt: Ahh! A spider!
Nick: Jess, why did you do that? You know how he gets, he turns into a cartoon elephant of yesteryear who just saw a mouse.