Popular Jim Halpert Quotes
Jim: I don't have a ton of contact with the Scranton branch, but before I left, I took a box of Dwight's stationery, so from time to time I send Dwight faxes. From himself. From the future: "Dwight, at 8am today, someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight."
Dwight: Ding dong.
Jim: Who is it?
Jim: Alright. I just got out of the shower, I'll be one second.
Dwight: [in accent] When you are done, open the door. ... Hello in there?
Jim: Yeah, I'm late for work, so I have to brush my teeth, it's a whole routine.
Dwight: We have more houses to visit.
Jim: If you want to come back then, that'll be fine.
Dwight: We will come back at... how is [looks at watch] 4:45?
Jim: I get back from work around 6.
Dwight: How about 5:15?
Jim: You can try. That, that might work.
Dwight: Very well, we will come back at 5:15.
Not enough for me? You are everything.
Jim: Um, is it me or does it smell like updog in here?
Michael: What's updog?
Jim: Nothing much, what's up with you?
Andy: Beer me!
Jim: What's that?
Andy: Hand me that water. I always say, "Beer me." Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time.
Jim: Lord, beer me strength.
Michael: Dwight, what's your middle name?
Michael: Something with a 'K'.
Jim: It's Kurt. Wow, I'm so sad I know that.
Michael: You know what eats a large amount of the day? Naps. You go to sleep it's light out, you wake up it's dark. That's the whole day. Where did that day go? I have no idea.
Jim: You mean on a weekend.
Michael: [pause] Yes.
Michael: The company is projecting record high sales, and that by 6:00 the website will be the new best salesman in the company. Wow! Watch out Dwight.
Dwight: That's ridiculous. I'm not going to be beaten by a website.
Jim: Actually it sounds like you are.
Dwight: Really? 'Cause Ryan says so?
Kelly: If that's from Ryan, does it mention if he's seeing anybody?
Michael: No. It doesn't. I'll find out tonight.
Stanley: Yes, please let us know.
Dwight: I can make more sales than a computer. In fact, I challenge that website to make more sales than me today.
Angela: Waste of time.
Jim: What's up?
Dwight: Milk is coming in, she's getting uncomfortable.
Jim: Dwight, don't be gross.
Pam: No, no he's right.
Dwight: Same things happens to my cows if I don't tend them frequently enough. You gotta milk 'em. Or else they'll moo like crazy.
Michael: Ok, I have an announcement.
Oscar: You pushed Darryl out the window?
Phyllis: You shot Dwight?
Michael: No! That is not funny, I love my employees, even thought I hit one of you with my car. For which I take full responsibility. Look I'm just trying to take everybody's mind off of this unavoidable tragedy, and onto more positive things. So I thought we should plant a tree.
Jim: Oh good, so we don't have to work.
Pam's with Roy. I'm with Karen. And, uh, Brangelina is with Frangelina. Movin' on.
Jim: Hey man, you mind if I run something by you?
Ryan: Love it. Go.
Jim: Well, I kinda feel like what we have going for us is our customer service, and no matter how we change this up, I don't know that a website's going to be able to replace that.
Ryan: I can tell you thought about this a lot, I appreciate that.
Ryan: David Wallace does too. You told him all about this at the Christmas party, right?
Jim: Did I? I don't...
Ryan: You did. Yeah.
Ryan: Watch your back Jim. I'm just kidding.