Kif Quotes
Season 9, Episode 6: "The Butterjunk Effect"
Kif: And she doesn't even want to cuddle any more, she just wants to hit me with various chairs.
Fry: You're lucky. I can't even get Leela to verbally abuse me.
• Rating: Unrated
Season 9, Episode 5: "Zapp Dingbat"
Zapp: Now watch, Kif, as I score a diplomatic coup by congratulating the admiral in his native tongue!
Kif: Last time you tried that, the Mexican restaurant declared war on us! I beg you, just use the translator.
Zapp: Kif, just trust me for once. [speaks in alien language]
Translator: I'd like to spank your sister with a slice of bologna.
Zapp: Heheh. Oops.
Kif: It's the Battle of Paco's Tacos all over again!
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Season 7, Episode 4: "Proposition Infinity"
Amy: Stop being such a spineless jellyfish!
Kif: You know full well I'm more closely related to the sea cucumber.
Amy: Not where it counts.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Season 2, Episode 18: "The Problem with Popplers"
Lrrr: We demand to eat one human for each Omicronian that was eaten.
Zapp: Fair enough. How many is that?
Kif: 198 billion, sir.
Lrrr: Very well. You will provide us with 198 billion humans. And, uh, small fries.
Nd-Nd: Lrrr!
Lrrr: Oh, alright, cottage cheese!
• Rating: Unrated
Kif: Sir? There aren't that many human beings.
Zapp: A thought occurs: There aren't that many humans.
Lrrr: We're willing to wait a few weeks while you shore up the numbers.
Zapp: Hmm. 198 billion babies in a few weeks. We'll need an army of super-virile men scoring round the clock! I'll do my part. Kif, clear my schedule.
• Rating: Unrated
Season 2, Episode 6: "Brannigan, Begin Again"
Zapp: Rock crushes scissors! But paper covers rock. And scissors cuts paper! Kif, we have a conundrum.
Kif: (sigh)
Zapp: Search them for paper! And ... bring me a rock!
• Rating: Unrated
Glab: And now, to cut the ribbon, the legendary DOOP captain who just returned from a triumphant carpet-bombing of Eden 7, Zapp Brannigan.
Zapp: What makes a man turn neutral? Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?
Kif: Um, sir, you're supposed to be cutting the ribbon right now.
Zapp: No matter. I'll simply cut it from here with the ships laser.
Kif: Sir, I don't think that's wise.
Zapp: Kif, if there's one thing I don't need it's your I-don't-think-that's-wise attitude.
• Rating: Unrated
Glab: Zapp Brannigan, you are hereby stripped of your rank as captain and dismissed from the DOOP.
Zapp: I'd like to make one final statement. Kif, c'mere and hold up the flag... And wave it a little, for God's sakes. My friends, you can take away a man's title and his uniform but you can never take away his integrity or his honour. Plus it was mostly Kif's fault.
Kif: What?
Glab: Kif Kroker, you are also stripped of your rank and dishonourably discharged.
• Rating: Unrated
Zapp: One day a man has everything, the next day he blows up a $400 billion space station and the next day he has nothing. It makes you think.
Kif: No, it doesn't.
• Rating: Unrated
Kif: I've computed out landing co-ordinates, Captain.
Leela: Thanks, Kif. Very nice work.
Kif: Wait, what?
Leela: I said "very nice work".
Kif: This is the happiest day of my life.
• Rating: Unrated
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Total Quotes: 27