Kif: And she doesn't even want to cuddle any more, she just wants to hit me with various chairs.
Fry: You're lucky. I can't even get Leela to verbally abuse me.

Zapp: Now watch, Kif, as I score a diplomatic coup by congratulating the admiral in his native tongue!
Kif: Last time you tried that, the Mexican restaurant declared war on us! I beg you, just use the translator.
Zapp: Kif, just trust me for once. [speaks in alien language]
Translator: I'd like to spank your sister with a slice of bologna.
Zapp: Heheh. Oops.
Kif: It's the Battle of Paco's Tacos all over again!

Lrrr: We demand to eat one human for each Omicronian that was eaten.
Zapp: Fair enough. How many is that?
Kif: 198 billion, sir.
Lrrr: Very well. You will provide us with 198 billion humans. And, uh, small fries.
Nd-Nd: Lrrr!
Lrrr: Oh, alright, cottage cheese!

Kif: Sir? There aren't that many human beings.
Zapp: A thought occurs: There aren't that many humans.
Lrrr: We're willing to wait a few weeks while you shore up the numbers.
Zapp: Hmm. 198 billion babies in a few weeks. We'll need an army of super-virile men scoring round the clock! I'll do my part. Kif, clear my schedule.

Zapp: So, do I have your loyalty, men?
Bender: To the ends of the universe.
Fry: Ten hundred percent!
Zapp: That's not nearly loyal enough. I order you to sit around and drink beer until you're as loyal as Kif here.
Bender: Yes, sir, sir!
Kif: Um, may I have a beer, sir?
Zapp: No. You're loyal enough already.

Kif: What shall I do with your civilian clothes, sir?
Zapp: Take them to the laundry-brig.

Glab: And now, to cut the ribbon, the legendary DOOP captain who just returned from a triumphant carpet-bombing of Eden 7, Zapp Brannigan.
Zapp: What makes a man turn neutral? Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?
Kif: Um, sir, you're supposed to be cutting the ribbon right now.
Zapp: No matter. I'll simply cut it from here with the ships laser.
Kif: Sir, I don't think that's wise.
Zapp: Kif, if there's one thing I don't need it's your I-don't-think-that's-wise attitude.

Zapp: One day a man has everything, the next day he blows up a $400 billion space station and the next day he has nothing. It makes you think.
Kif: No, it doesn't.

Zapp: Rock crushes scissors! But paper covers rock. And scissors cuts paper! Kif, we have a conundrum.
Kif: (sigh)
Zapp: Search them for paper! And ... bring me a rock!

Kif: I've computed out landing co-ordinates, Captain.
Leela: Thanks, Kif. Very nice work.
Kif: Wait, what?
Leela: I said "very nice work".
Kif: This is the happiest day of my life.

Zapp: Meanwhile, I have a plan. We will single-handedly attack our archenemy the Neutral Planet.
Kif: Oh, jeez.
Zapp: Once the neutral war machine lies in ruins, I'll be a hero again and the DOOP will reinstate me as captain.
Kif: But, sir, that plan makes no sense.
Zapp: Maybe not to you, Kif, but if I recall correctly, you were court-martialled in disgrace.
Fry: Ooh, burn!
Bender: Nailed you, buddy!

Kif: The point is, it's just so humiliating working for that man. Once, he actually ordered me to... shave his armpits while he was in the bathtub. So, I said-
Leela: Y'know, why don't we talk about something besides Zapp for a while?
Kif: Oh, alright. Um... well... how 'bout then, um... OK, well, there he was in the tub, right?

Futurama Quotes

(Yelling an order from the crowd to Destructor) MAKE THAT BITCH YOUR BITCH, YOU BASTARD!!!

<i>Deleted Scene only found on Season 2 DVD</i> Mom

This is the saddest day of my life. And I still can't cry.