Kif Quotes
Glab: Zapp Brannigan, you are hereby stripped of your rank as captain and dismissed from the DOOP.
Zapp: I'd like to make one final statement. Kif, c'mere and hold up the flag... And wave it a little, for God's sakes. My friends, you can take away a man's title and his uniform but you can never take away his integrity or his honour. Plus it was mostly Kif's fault.
Kif: What?
Glab: Kif Kroker, you are also stripped of your rank and dishonourably discharged.
Amy: Stop being such a spineless jellyfish!
Kif: You know full well I'm more closely related to the sea cucumber.
Amy: Not where it counts.
Zapp Brannigan: Good work everyone; the mother-ship is destroyed. (Mother-ship emerges from space) What the hell is that thing?
Kif: It appears to be the mother-ship...
Zapp Brannigan: Then what did we just blow up?
Kif: (checks radar) The Hubble Telescope.
Zapp: Remember, our mission is simple: Destroy all aliens!
Kif: Um, uh, not me, sir.
Zapp: Oh, yes, right. Nobody destroy Kif... Unless you have to. Oh, ho, ho! The luscious Captain Leela. This is turning into one very sex-ay struggle for the future of the human race!
Leela: Thanks, but I'm not technically human.
Zapp: Right, right. Nobody destroy Leela either.
Zapp: Kif, I'm feeling the captain's itch.
Kif: I'll get the powder, sir.
Zapp: No, the itch for adventure! Prepare to change course.
Kif: Sir, this is a leisure cruise. Our path was set by the travel agency.
Zapp: That's for schoolgirls! Now here's a route with some chest hair.
Kif: But that course leads directly through a swarm of comets.
Zapp: Yes, comets! The icebergs of the sky.
Zapp: Your attention, please. As captain of this vessel, the terrible burden of naming a limbo contest winner is mine and mine alone.
Kif: Shouldn't you be steering between the comets?
Zapp: And the winner is, Leela!
Leela: But I didn't even limbo.
Zapp: No matter. I know from personal experience how horizontal you can get.
Kif: Captain, may I have a word with you?
Zapp: No.
Kif: It's an emergency, sir.
Zapp: Come back when it's a catastrophe.
Kif: Sir, remember your course correction?
Zapp Brannigan: No.
Kif: Well it's proving somewhat more suicidal than we'd initially hoped.
Zapp: Don't blame yourself, Kif. We were doomed from the start. Nothing remains now but for the captain to go down with his ship.
Kif: Why, that's surprisingly noble of you, sir.
Zapp: No, it's noble of you, Kif! As of now... you're in command. Congratulations, captain!
Zapp Brannigan: Kif, you're my best and most loyal friend but you've earned my contempt once again. As my protg you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her. This time we are sure she's a woman, right?
Kif: Yes.
Zapp Brannigan: Good! Invite her to my quarters. Oh, and have the boy lay out my formal shorts.
Kif: "The boy", sir?
Zapp Brannigan: You. You lay out my formal shorts.
Kif: Sir, they're headed straight for us.
Zapp Brannigan: A well calculated move... straight out of Sun Tzu's ancient text, 'The Art of War.' Or my own master work, 'Zapp Brannigan's Big Book of War.' But the one thing their captain doesn't realize, and never will is tha--
Kif: Sir, they've docked with us and have come aboard.
Zapp Brannigan: Then I have risked all and lost. Kiff old man, I'll be in the escape pod. If that wicker chair I like survives the slaughter have it sent to my P.O. Box.
Zapp Brannigan: Captain's journal. Star date; 3000.3.
Kif: Who are you talking to, sir?
Zapp Brannigan: You! Aren't you getting this? We have detected a vessel attempting to break the security cordon around Vergon 6. I'm anticipating an all-out tactical dogfight, followed by a light dinner... ravioli, ham, sundae bar.
