You know, Den, I was thinking about what you were saying the other day about the t-shirts with the stupid slogans on them, and I was wondering what you think about this! (reveals a shirt that says "Death to baby killers") Huh, bitch? Yeah, is that stupid enough for ya?
We weren't expecting you to be black, that's all...
Oh, and hookups are good. But just to be clear... when you say your "sista," do you mean your sister or your friend?
Mac: Why do these people like you guys so much?
Charlie: Well dude, it's not that they like us, they don't like you! You know why? Uhhh, because you're an asshole!
Dennis: Our mortgage is due in two weeks.
Mac: No, we paid that, like, a week ago.
Dennis: No. A week ago was three weeks late.
(After Charlie throws away a girl's number)
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing, dude?
Mac: What are you doing?
Mac: That girl is gorgeous. She's like the perfect opportunity to show that we are not racist. She probably has friends for me.
Charlie: Well, come on. If anything, I think we should be focused on black men, first of all.
Charlie: I'll totally pull a Good Will Hunting on those kids and that'll put them in their place.
Mac: How you gonna do that?
Charlie: Well, you've seen the movie right?
Charlie: So all I gotta do is, I'll ask them some big shot, like math or science, history-type college question aand that will totally stump them by knowing a lot more about the answer than they do.
Mac: In that movie, Matt Damon played a genius janitor, you're just a janitor.
Charlie: Right, you stumped me with that one.
Mac: He doesn't have any poison.
Charlie: I don't have any on me, but I do keep some in my fridge at home in the relish jar.
Frank: There's poison in that jar? I thought I was allergic to pickles. What's in the jar with the skull and crossbones?
Charlie: Well that's mayonnaise. It's a decoy.
Frank: And the mayo?
Charlie: That's shampoo.
Frank: You're telling I've been putting shampoo on my sandwiches?
Charlie: If you've been using the mayonnaise, then yeah, probably.