I love you once. I love you twice. I love you more than beans and rice.

Mike: Should I offer to loan him a shirt?
Lee: Don't you dare!

If you field this one, I'll tell him where babies come from.

Mike: Why is there a big ass piano in our house?
Susan: Actually, Big Ass stopped making pianos. This is a Yamaha.

Mike: Did you just say Katherine is a leprechaun?
Susan: Lesbian. Katherine is a lesbian.
Mike: Okay. The first one made more sense.
Susan: Apparently, the other night, Katherine and Robin got a little drunk...
Mike: Hold it. Robin?
Susan: Yeah. She's a leprechaun, too.

I'm not Ian. I can't afford to move you into a mansion, or fly you off to Paris. But I'll be damned if I don't give you the same dream wedding he would've given you.

Susan: You name one thing that you think is going over the top.
Mike: The dove wrangler...
Susan: Well the doves aren't going to release themselves!

Susan: I'm thinking a chocolate fountain would be a cool centerpiece to a dessert buffet.
Mike: Dessert buffet? We're having a wedding cake, right? Isn't that a dessert?
Susan: Yeah, but you have to give people a choice. Don't you think a chocolate fountain would be elegant?
Mike: I don't know, you, a big, white dress, melted chocolate? Am I the only one hearing alarm bells?

Gabrielle: (to Susan) Oh, Susan, Julie told me about Ian I'm so sorry, you must be devastated.
(Mike is moving his stuff over to Susan's house)
Mike: Hey Gaby.
Gabrielle: (to Susan) I see you've picked up the pieces!

Mary Alice: (narrating) Yes, Susan knew Mike was about to pop the question. The one she thought he'd never ask...
Susan: Oh, Mike.
Mary Alice: And thanks to Susan..
Susan: Will you marry me?
Mary Alice: ...he never did... Luckily, it wasn't the question she needed to hear...
Mike: I kinda had a speech prepared, but, sure, what the heck.
Mary Alice: ...it was the answer.
(Mike puts the ring on Susan's finger.)

Susan: Mike, I twisted my ankle.
Mike: Good. 'Cause now I get to do this. (picks her up and kisses her)

(on Susan's answering machine) Hey Susan... um... I don't mean to bug you, but there's just so much I didn't get to say... um... I ju--... God, I'm lousy at goodbyes. Anyway, you will always be the best thing that ever happened to me and, well I hope you find the happiness you deserve. Bye. Oh, this is Mike.

Desperate Housewives Quotes

I love you once. I love you twice. I love you more than beans and rice.


(after Andrew tells her he hates her) The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. And if you hate me, that means you still care, and we're still connected and I still have a chance to set you right.