Popular Ned Quotes
Chuck: You said you wanted to know who killed me so that justice could be served. See, I don't think that "Justice" was on the menu. Maybe as a side dish, but not as an entrée.
Ned: It was most definitely an entrée. It was a Special of the Day. Could we drop the metaphor?
Chuck: I can't even hug you? What if you need a hug? A hug can turn your day around.
Ned: I'm not a fan of the hug.
Chuck: Then you haven't been hugged properly. It's like an emotional Heimlich. Someone puts their arms around you and they give you a squeeze and all your fear and anxiety come shooting out of your mouth in a big wet wad and you can breath again.
Ned: That's fine for someone else to do if I'm choking on something other than emotion, but you can't touch me.
Chuck: So a kiss is out of the question?
Ned: I've lost my train of thoughts.
Chuck: I'm not who you think I am.
Emerson: Who does he think you are?
Chuck: The small town girl who never saw the world who would have the first time out be her last... well, that iswho I am but... I was hoisted by my own pitard.
Ned: What's a pitard?
Chuck: In my case, the pitard was that Tahitian getaway. It was a devil's bargain.
Emerson: Who's the devil?
Chuck: Deedee Duffield, manager of Boutique Travel Travel Boutique. She offered me a high seas adventure at no cost. All I had to do was pick up a package.
Ned: Are you a drug mule?
Chuck: No, I'm a... monkey mule.
Emerson: Sounds like you're a narcoleptic.
Ned: I suffer from uncontrollable types of deep sleep?
Emerson: What's the other one?
Emerson: Words that sound alike get mixed up in my head.
Olive: Me, too. I used to think "masturbation" meant chewing your food. (awkward silence) I don't think that anymore
Ned: I asked you not to use the word "zombie." It's disrespectful. Stumbling around squawking for brains? It's not how they do. And "undead"? Nobody wants to be "un"-anything. Why begin a statement with a negative? It's like saying "I don't disagree." Just say you agree.
Emerson: Are you comfortable with "living dead"?
Ned: You're either living or your dead. When you're living, you're alive. When you're dead, that's what you are. But when you're dead and then you're not, you're alive again. Can't we say "alive again"?
Ned: What if you didn't have to be dead?
Chuck: That would be preferable.
I wish I could give you an emotional heimlich so you could cough up that fear and anxiety, but I can't.
I just thought my world would be a better place if you were in it.
I hate to be a bad host, but I'm sort of exhausted from chasing your coffin.
Ned: This is pushing your luck.
Chuck: Yeah, well, luck pushed me first
Can we not say kill? I touch them again and they return to how they were meant to be.
Ned: I haven't thought of her since I was ten.
Emerson: Think of her a lot when you were ten?
Ned: I don't remember anything when I was ten.
Narrator: The pie maker remembers everything.