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New-girl

Winston: That's like the president and the vice president not being best friends.
Nick: They're not best friends.
Winston: Come on, everybody knows they're best friends.

Six hundred dollars! That's six hundred one-dollar bills. That's the only way I can imagine it.

I don't want a refund on my cruise and I don't want a refund on you!

Nick: My arms are so sore from doing so many push-ups.
Schmidt: That seems like a lie.

Jess: Nick calls birds 'wind-mice.' Nick says 'yahtzee' when he climaxes. He calls turtles 'shell-beavers.'
Nick: Well, that's what they should be called.

Nick: I know where you live!
Jess: And I live where you live!

There is something serious I have to tell you about the future. The name of my first-born child needs to be Reginald VelJohnson--I lost a bet to Schmidt.

Schmidt fired me and now I'll never get to use this briefcase I bought and it was $19!

What do you call a lunatic who's only got one case and no hobbies? Your worst nightmare.

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