I'm gonna grab some old underpants and put a pair into the freezer for each of you.

I knew that French was gonna haunt me.

Well get ready for the skin circus you little peanut.

Nick: Of course we make decisions. How do you think I'm wearing clothes right now?
Schmidt: I lay those out for you Nick.

I love you like a mother or sister or girlfriend. It's not sexual.

It's not sex until you put the straw in the coconut.

That's more like dork magic.

I want magic, is that so bad?

If I can't have a kid with a woman, then maybe I'll have one with my cousin.

You have no standing to veto, it's my sperm.

I'm a business guy first and a sex guy second.

Nick: I'm very focused.
Schmidt: You're not even looking at me right now.
Nick: I though I saw something shiny.

New Girl Quotes

I'm gonna bake a cake so moist, girls are gonna be like, 'Ewww, why did you say moist? I hate that word?' and I'm gonna be like, 'Taste the cake!' And they're gonna be like, 'Damn, it's moist!'"

Coach

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick