Tuesdays 9:00 PM on FOX

I want to kill you...because I respect you. I think I understanding hunting!

Schmidt: Would you line up around the corner if the iPhone was called "the slippery germ brick"?
Nick: Yeah, I probably would actually.

Jess: Do you want to know what I'm wearing under this shirt?
Nick: Yeah, sure.
Jess: An invisible shirt.

I don't know what "mazel tov" means, but it doesn't sound good.

I'm very poor. Having a checking account would be an honor. I've written a zombie book. It's terrible. I'm a slow runner. I'm obsessed with karate.

He smells of strong coffee and going to see a man about a horse.

Schmidt: Does it say "share stuff" in the Constitution of America? No, it does not. Nicholas, what does it say?
Nick: Don't share stuff.

College Nick: You like rap music? Who's your favorite rapper.
College Schmidt: Brian Austin Green.

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Displaying quotes 1 - 9 of 122 in total