Cheryl: I'm gonna use the money to buy an orphanage and then bulldoze it.
Pam: Why?!
Cheryl: Shits and grins. And screams. "Wah, porridge, wah!" Hahahahahaha.
Pam: Well, maybe she'll die.

Pam: I was voted best milker!
Krieger: Me too!
Everyone: Eww.

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Pam: How do you not murder her every day?
Krieger: I do!

Kreiger: What is wrong with you people?
Pam: Ray's missing a hand!

Pam: No! The solution to every problem isn't throwing freakin' acid on it.
Krieger: Unless the problem is a solution with an overly alkaline pH balance.

Pam: Cyril, you can lie to yourself...
Ray: Obviously, look at your sweater.

I know you better sit your ass down before I jam an Easy Spirit up it.

Pam: But wait, why are you telling me about your plan not to make Lana jealous.
Archer: Because I- oh my god, Pam, I think you might be my best friend
Pam: You're my best friend! (hugs him)
Archer: But what about Cheryl?
Pam: You're my second best friend!

Pam: Pardon, but I'm supposed to-- (Queen slaps Pam)
Queen: Woman! I will kill you where you stand!
Cheryl: Which by law, I would be required to tell you if there was a murder in the house (pause) Ohhh, but if you're the murderer....That's what I love about this job. You learn something new every day.

Cheryl: Oh please, you invented racism? Also, you're just a reconstructed light field produced by firing a razor through a beam splitter..
Krieger's artificial girlfriend: Waaaww!
Pam: Yeah dude, not cool..

Pam: Can we talk for a second?
Cyril: Is that before Krieger sexually assaulted a 220 outlet. (group laughs)

Cheryl: See what? What's Area 51?
Pam: What's Area--, are you shitting me? Everybody knows about Area 51.
Archer: Yeah, even me, and I didn't know they made shoes out of cornbread.

Archer Quotes

Hawley: Awww screw me!
Archer: ...said Ripley to the android Bishop.

Cheryl: What the stupid shit are you doing??
Cyril: You said you wanted watermelon.
Cheryl: Watermelon's red?
Cyril: Yes. How do you not know that?
Cheryl: Who am I? Charles Frederick Andress?