Red Forman Quotes
Is the kid from not America down here?
Red: Okay, Bob, what is it?
Bob: I'm just curious. What's the word on that Hyde kid?
Red: Steven? He's a little rebellious, just needs some direction.
Bob: Apparently he's getting it, Red. I kind of walked into your living room and he and Kitty were in some sort of provocative embrace. I think he's putting the moves on your wife.
Red: Oh my God. Now I've gotta kill him. Get your deer rifle, Bob.
Bob: Hold on Red. I... I... I could have been mistaken.
Red: You know what you saw. Get the damn gun!
Kitty: I don't know if we have enough ice, Eric took a whole tubful.
Red: He took a tub of ice?
Kitty: Oh, the kids are making a volcano!
Midge: Right, that's why Donna left with all the plastic cups.
Red: Plastic cups?
Midge: Sure, plastic volcano cups.
Bob: If I didn't know better, I'd say they were having a kegger! (looks at Red) Oh Jeez!
Kitty: So, what do you want for your birthday?
Red: Whatever you want. Money is no object, as long as it's reasonable.
Eric: I want a cassette player for the car. A cassette player, not an 8-track. Not an 8-track, okay?
Kitty: Why don't they put record players in cars?
Red: Okay, Eric, if you don't want an 8-track, you won't get one.
Kitty: Oh, but Red, he wants one.
Eric: No, I don't. I don't want an 8-track.
Red: We'll get you a Delco. A genuine GM part for a genuine GM car.
Red: So, how's your friend, Janice?
Laurie: Pregnant.
Kitty: Oh, she was such a nice girl, how would that happen?
Eric: Well, first the egg travels down the fallopian tube to the uterus, where it attaches to the wall--
Red: Oh and uh, here's a 20.
Laurie: Will that cover for gas?
Kitty: Oh well, honey, give her another 10 just in case.
Eric: You know, I could use some gas money.
Red (laughs): Yeah... and if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass when it hops.
Kitty: Well, the kids are off. I wonder where they went.
Red: Out of town.
Kitty: How do you know?
Red: I told them not to.
Red: If I find one beer can in that car, it's over!
Kitty: And no donuts either! Ants!
Bob: Red, a Toyota?
Red: Yeah, it's mine. I tell you the last time I was that close to a Japanese machine, it was shooting at me.
