I simply want a demographic breakdown of all the guys who hit on you.

This woman is engaged. Her number belongs to God now, thank you.

I may have your entire life planned out on my computer. I made a spreadsheet and everything. I worked on it this morning.

You're my best friend in the whole world. We've been through a lot together so I just do feel like your sperm are partly my sperm.

They're reaching into your skin wallet. Your scrotum.

Nick: I'm trying my hardest to look poor.
Winston: You are poor.

Why are you putting spoons in the laundry hamper?

You have the focus of a coked up Italian on a summer day!

I'm not willing to turn our home into a public pool.

Schmidt: Oh good lord! I'm marrying Nick.
Jess: Duh.

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Save your groans for Bird Man!

Nick: I want to get rid of my stuff, but all my stuff is really good and I just can't get rid of it.
Coach: It's not and you have to.
Schmidt: Everything you own is trash.
Coach: You're basically a hoarder.
Nick: Not true. Everything has meaning. Everything is connected to something else.

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

I'm gonna bake a cake so moist, girls are gonna be like, 'Ewww, why did you say moist? I hate that word?' and I'm gonna be like, 'Taste the cake!' And they're gonna be like, 'Damn, it's moist!'"

Coach