You're my best friend in the whole world. We've been through a lot together so I just do feel like your sperm are partly my sperm.

They're reaching into your skin wallet. Your scrotum.

Nick: I'm trying my hardest to look poor.
Winston: You are poor.

Why are you putting spoons in the laundry hamper?

You have the focus of a coked up Italian on a summer day!

I'm not willing to turn our home into a public pool.

Schmidt: Oh good lord! I'm marrying Nick.
Jess: Duh.

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Save your groans for Bird Man!

Nick: I want to get rid of my stuff, but all my stuff is really good and I just can't get rid of it.
Coach: It's not and you have to.
Schmidt: Everything you own is trash.
Coach: You're basically a hoarder.
Nick: Not true. Everything has meaning. Everything is connected to something else.

Schmidt: I know this might seem crazy and probably a little bit impulsive, but it's not, not for me. I've known since the minute that I've met you.
Cece: Oh god, you're going to say something stupid, aren't you?
Schmidt: Girl, will you marry me?
Cece: Yes. Yes, yes, yes!
Jess: We're getting married!

Schmidt: Are you in love with me? Because I'm in love with you, deeply. I assume that you would never because I messed this up so many times. You've made it very clear you only want to be friends with me and I value that friendship so much. So it I'm ruining it by doing any of this, please stop me.
Cece: Schmidt. I'm in love with you.

Schmidt: Come on Gina, give me a shot at red potatoes.
Gina: No way cause I need ya. You're the best sort of mid-level employee I've ever had. You are the ass to my horse and I'm gonna keep you right here, right by my side where I can find ya, forever.

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.


Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.