Tobias Funke Quotes
Ann, you need to decide whether you want a man or a boy. I know how I'd answer.
(Talking before a beauty pageant)
Ann: I could sing to the camel!
Tobias: Yes, we can Google some disco songs with the word 'hump' in them.
Ann: Cute.
George Michael: No, that sounds a bit racy.
Tobias: Okay, he may be afraid of sex but you're not going to win without it.
George Michael: No, I'm not afraid of sex.
Tobias: Oh, good. Have sex with this girl right now. Do it. Go. Get in there, have some sex with her right now.
Tobias: She's a girl, I need to teach her how to be a woman. Within her lies a queen. Let me out that queen.
Michael: Yeah, I think you just did.
Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over- an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist.
Tobias: Here, take my business card. (Buster gasps loudly) No, no. It's pronounced a-NAL-rapist.
Buster: It wasn't really the pronunciation that bothered me.
Tobias: Gob, this is Flunitrazepam. It's a roofie.
Lucille: Those are illegal!
Gob: Shut up, Mom. Don't make me give you another one of these.
I realized it was for being a leading man. Oh, I can just taste those meaty leading man parts in my mouth!
Wig Shop Employee: Are you going to buy this time, or are you just curious?
Tobias: I suppose I'm buy-curious ... I have a big TV opportunity.
Wig Shop Employee: Well, this is where all the big TV's come.
(Tobias has just found a way to convince Lindsay that Kitty loves him)
Tobias: If this tableau I recreate, perhaps I can resnare my mate!
Narrator: Gee, why wouldn't she want him back?
Tobias: I'm sorry. Ted?
Ted: Yes?
Tobias: Is it Ted? Did Ted make an appointment?
Ted: No, I just work down the hallway ...
Tobias: No? Well, then, Ted can get the hell out of this office! You get the hell out! (to Michael) And that's how you keep out unwanted visitors.
Buenos dias. My name is Dr. Tobias Funke, and I'll be filling in for Michael, who is not sick (laughs). In fact, just today I saw a sliver of his buttocks and they're as fresh and firm as a Georgia peach, so not to worry.
Dr. Stein: I'm certainly good enough to take out that appendix of yours.
Michael: Appendix?
Lucille: I don't buy it. It could be a hernia.
Tobias: Or it could be your colon. I'd want to get in there and find some answers.
