Ben: Last time I took it, I was a Tom.
Tom: What?! No, no, no, no!! Take it again! Ugh, I have to go recalibrate the quiz!

I love you, you're one of my best friends, but you have betrayed me and everything you stand for! You've changed.

Tom: It's a whole documentary of my failures!
Lucy: That you made!

Lucy, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to marry me.

To me! I own two restaurants, as well as several other properties. As long as we're celebrating.

Ron does this weird thing where he says exactly what he means. Just ignore him.

All the sushi is made by fish, previously owned by celebrities.

Treat yo' self -- in Beverly Hills!

Tom: In the words of Jerry Maguire.
Andy: The human head ways eight pounds.

Tom: Tom Haverford? That's nice, but I don't think we can consider me a celebrity.
Donna: That's your handwriting.

Andy: Head coach of the Chicago Bulls.
Tom: No he's uhh, we're with a non profit -
Andy: What!? No! Am I? That sucks.

I'm awesome at being humble.

Parks & Rec Quotes

I hit rock bottom that night. I mean I literally fell to the bottom of a pit and hit a rock. I remember laying there thinking, there's probably a good reason why I'm down here. And then I remember thinking I need morphine.

Mark

You know why tonight is so much fun? Because everyone's so gay. And they know how to have fun, and the dancing ... everyone is just who they are and who they are is just stone cold gay.

Leslie