Parks and Recreation

Tom Haverford Quotes (Page 3)

Tom: His real name is Dante Fiero, but he changed it to Dennis Feinstein 'cause that's way more exotic in Pawnee.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Tom: Joan, let's make a pact, OK? If we're both still single in an hour, let's get married.
Joan: Tom, I'm already married.
Tom: Oh, that's right. To Seal. Oh, I confused you with Heidi Klum again.
 • Rating: Unrated

Tom: Joan? I thought you were Jennifer Aniston filming a movie here.
 • Rating: Unrated

Tom: Nice job man. Was that your first time talking to other people? 'Cause it came off that way. You embarrassed me in front of The Douche.
 • Rating: Unrated

Man: Sup, guys? Just douching over here in Eagleton.
Tom: Sweet.
 • Rating: Unrated

Tom: All I can think about is Captain Mustache plowing my ex-wife.
Andy: And you imagine he's wearing a cape, while he's plowing her?
Tom: What?
Andy: No, just Captain Mustache? I mean if all you could think of is Ron — you know — Maybe put him in some tights and a cape, and then it would be funny.
Tom: Now I'm imagining a cape.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ben: Should we throw in some salads for a healthy option?
Tom: Wow, don't be such a Jerry, Ben.
Leslie: Yeah, Ben. These guys are cops. Not ballerinas.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Tom: I just don't get why you broke up with me. Is it 'cause I'm not cool enough, like the normal kids compared to the vampires? Is it an Edward-Bella-Jacob type situation? Where you like me but there's someone else you like more?
 • Rating: Unrated

Tom: Am I team Edward? Yes. Do I share his concerns about turning Bella, though? Absolutely not.
 • Rating: Unrated

Tom: Twilight is dope. I couldn't put it down. It was like she was peering into my soul.
Kelly: Sing it, friend. Here, book two. Twilight: New Moon. Get crackin'.
Tom: There's a second book?
Kelly: And a third. And a fourth.
Tom: No [expletive] way.
 • Rating: Unrated

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