My baby has no shot at a normal life.

Ellie: Something's off.
Travis: Maybe you've finally developed human emotions and feel bad for hurting people.
Ellie: No, but that's funny.

Laurie: Today baby Bobby turns 6 weeks old!
Travis: And 6 weeks after childbirth means Laurie and I can finally... officially... get it on.
Ellie: Ugh.
Andy: Bleh.

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Travis: My tee-ball coach diagnosed me with a terminal case of 'the dropsies'.
Ellie: A month from now, you're going to be holding a fragile, infant life in your hands.
Travis: Do you think it's going to be a problem?
Ellie: Babies heads are soft.

Laurie: Hey, for the record I wore underwear tonight so you'd think I was classy.
Travis: No you didn't.
Laurie: I didn't. Turns out I don't actually own any.

Travis: You know, I've actually been experimenting at school.
Ellie: I totally called that!
Jules: What's his name? Is he cute?
Travis: I meant with religion.
Jules: Aw man, I was excited to show you how cool I'd be about it.

Jules: I can't even be a whore?
Travis: Mom, I think you would be an amazing whore-oh my God I can't believe I just said that.

Travis: Oh my God, you want us to be friends?
Jules: Friends that can talk about anything. I want us to be friends with benefits. I didn't use that right, did I?

Travis: Admittedly, Game of Thrones gives me a giant nerdgasm, but I gotta warn you guys it's a little racy.
Jules: Oh Trav, we're adults, we can handle it - oh, wow, boobs already!

Good God, I'm a stalker.

Jules: Taters are for laters.
Travis: She actually did say that.

Bobby: Hey Bud, can we talk about Laurie?
Travis: You know I really like her, huh?
Bobby: Yeah, I could tell by the way you stare at her breasts. Different from the way you stare at other breasts, more respectful.

Cougar Town Quotes

Laurie: Jules told me never to ask, but why do you call me Jellybean?
Ellie: Well JB, when Jules first hired you I thought you were so simple minded she could convince you that Jellybeans were more valuable than gold and subsequently pay you in Jellybeans. This concept was eventually shorted into your nickname, Jellybean.

Did you finally get a visit from the nutsack fairy?

Ellie