Tony: How many languages do you speak?
Ziva: Including the language of love? Ten.

Ziva: I'm feeling perfectly warm.
Tony: That's because you're like a little kimodo dragon. An ice queen.
Ziva: Or because I remembered to wear my thermal underwear.
Tony: I'll give you $50 for it right now.

Tony: Fruit of the month might be good. Maybe a foot massage.
McGee: Tony, I never pegged you as a catalog shopper.
Tony: Well, that's because I'm not, tiny Tim, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I took these from my neighbor's doorstep.
Ziva: You stole them?
Tony: The doorstep is considered a common area.

Ziva: These chocolates are delicious!
Gibbs: Hey, dad. Stop making my team fat.
Ziva: Gibbs, why didn't you tell us your father was coming?
Gibbs: I didn't think he'd actually show. Go ahead, have another one, bubble butt.
Tony: It's my metabolism slowing with age.

Tony: Taking the tour?
Ziva: I have my first psych evaluation.
Tony: Oh, yeah. I always loved those.
Ziva: I'm sure. You get to talk about yourself the entire time.

Tony: I thought you weren't sure what to say?
Ziva: I guess I had a long time to think about things.
Tony: I'm sorry, Ziva.
Ziva: No. It is I who am sorry.

Ziva: That is total salami!
Tony: Bologna.

Ziva: Being stuck at that desk has given me a lot of time to think. Being a visitor here is wrong.
Gibbs: What does that mean, Ziva?
Ziva: I need your signature on this. I want to be an NCIS agent.
Gibbs: I don't even know if that's possible. You would have to resign from Mossad.
Ziva: Already have. Sent my father an email.
Gibbs: Hmm. Now what's he think about that?
Ziva: It does not matter.

You cannot trust a man whose loyalty has a price.

Ziva: You cannot even work your email properly! You always reply to all. It drives me absolutely nuts! You know, when it comes to computers, you are almost as incompetent as Gib - [looks around]
Tony: You thought Gibbs was behind you. You know why? Because sneaky people expect sneakiness. It's a vicious circle.

McGee: Look at this. Two ply, double roll, top tuck with a thirty foot vertical climb. This kid has got an arm! Perfect drapage and good trunk to top ratio. It's very impressive.
Ziva: I do not understand the humor or the art.
McGee: It's a cultural thing. Tony would tell you.

Tony: (on the phone) Hey Probie, what I am looking at?
Vance: A career in the fast food industry.
Tony: Director Vance. How are you, sir?

NCIS Quotes

Bishop: Seriously? How'd you get that?
Tony: Well, it's like Gorillas in the Midst. You'll get to understand his grunts.

Torres: When I break out the glass, maybe I can rip out the bars.
Bishop: With what? Your superhuman strength?