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Caroline: You sleep in your bra?
Max: I have to. Last time I let them out at night they didn’t come home until 4am and couldn’t tell me where they’d been.

My gambling problem got so bad I couldn’t even afford my drug problem.


You have a coccyx? Want to go out sometime?


All this money and I didn’t do anything. I’m one mustache away from being a Kardashian.


Caroline: Sophie, it’s nice to see you so giddy about something.
Max: Yeah, you’re like me sitting on that broken washer at the laundry mat.

He dropped me off first because he’s a class act, and because he had to put his pants back on.


I hear that phone has a great camera for selfies, or in your case elfies.


Caroline: Next up, I have gas.
Max: Ah, thanks for the heads up this time.

Ladies, you’re wasting your time. He can’t speak and he doesn’t like girls. He’s a vegetable and a fruit.

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