Albino ninja!


If I won an Oscar everyone would have to respect me. My obituary would read Oscar-winner, instead of children's soccer heckler.


Hey are you Jack? Sorry I'm late. B.T.Dubs, I gotta leave for my ironic kickball league in about ten. Also I'm not interested in this position unless I'm going to be constantly praised. And I won't cut my hair.

Random Guy

She's got just the right amount of D.I.H.C. for me. I hear it and I don't care.


He owns the world's only giraffe basketball team, the New York Necks.


Dr. Drew called me un-fixable.


Jack: You're someone with a lot of problems, who needs constant guidance.
Tracy: Don't forget, I never listen.

Sure, I Google myself all the time. Like when Angie's not in the mood or I'm alone in a hotel.


I'm meeting up with my old Army buddy, Gary. Tonight we're doing a push-up and tomorrow we're going to a bar called Swingles!

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