Archer

Mondays 10:00 PM on FX
Archer
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Did you watch Regis this morning?

Archer

Well, you did threaten to stick a knife up his dick hole.

Lana

Pam: Zing! ... Wildly inappropriate.
Krieger: Seriously, Pam.
Pam: Okay, clone wars.
Krieger: Zing.

Cyril: Kriegers father's was a Nazi scientist.
Malory: And JFK's father was a bootlegger.
Cyril: What!? That's like comparing apples to Nazi oranges.

Archer: What have I been doing?
Lana: Chain smoking joints the size of tampons.
Archer: Eww.
Lana: Just a figure of speech.
Archer: Still, eww.

She's not gay, she just has big hands.

Archer

Well, first of all, you don't have to yell. I don't have ear cancer.

Archer

Now shut up and kick in the door for me. And do it bad ass like I would. If I still had toe nails.

Archer

Archer: Lana, did you see my scarf?
Lana: Yes, Archer. I saw your scarf.
Archer: All my hair fell out.
Lana: I'm sorry.
Archer: Me too. It was my fifth best feature.

Gillette: My mother told me she loved me all the time.
Malory: Exactly, look how you turned out.
Gillette: Uh, with high self esteem?

I never thought I'd say this, but I really miss the Zima.

Archer

As you can see I have wine coolers on my feet because my toe nails are popping off like pogs.

Archer
Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 19 in total

Archer Season 2 Episode 9 Quotes

Archer: Cry "Havoc!" and let slip the hogs of war.
Krieger: Dogs of wars.
Archer: Whatever farm animal of war, Lana. Shut up.

Archer: I've been treating my cancer with sugar pills!?
Krieger: You didn't think it was weird your chemo drugs were chewable?
Archer: Little kids get cancer.