Slater: Hang on, go back. You speak Urdu?
Archer: Huh? Oh, no, no, just that one phrase.
Farouk: The only phrase you know in Urdu is "No shit, you goat-raping pig devil."
Archer: What?! I thought it meant "I'm sorry." Huh, probably why that night in Karachi went from pretty bad to much worse.
Slater: I'm gonna stop you there.
Archer: Probably someone should. There's a baby.

• Permalink: Probably someone should. There's a baby.
• Added: February 13, 2015

Archer: Lana, go. AJ's in good hands. I know what I'm doing. I've read 10 of the Babysitter's Club books.
Lana: Really?
Archer: Yeah, I'm totally a Christie with maybe like a dash of Claudia.

• Permalink: I'm totally a Christie with maybe like a dash of Claudia
• Added: February 13, 2015

Lana: Have you at least babyproofed this place?
Archer: I don't think a baby can hurt anything.

• Permalink: I don't think a baby can hurt anything
• Added: February 13, 2015

Lana, it's cashmere. There are rules. Sorry. I didn't know

• Permalink: Lana, it's cashmere
• Added: February 05, 2015

Archer: Cyril, let's get that sweater vest off buddy
Cyril: I'm sorry?
Archer: I know! Nobody makes you wear them.

• Permalink: I know! Nobody makes you wear them.
• Added: February 05, 2015

(to Archer) You want a drink, (to Lana) you want to lecture us, (to Pam) you want more bear claws, (to Ray), you want to smoke (to Cyril) you want to masturbate, and (to Krieger) you're scared that we'll figure you you're actually just a Krieger clone

Cheryl

• Permalink: You want a drink, you want to lecture us, you want more bear claws, , you want to smoke you...
• Added: February 05, 2015

Archer: Come on cyborg. RD2 it.
Ray: R2D2 it?
Archer: Yeah, probe around in there and whatever, shut down the tractor beam.
Ray: With what, my dick?
Archer: I....however you normally do it
Ray: I don't normally do it!
Archer: I know but this is an emergency.

• Permalink: Come on Cyborg. R2D2 it.
• Added: February 05, 2015

Cheryl: I have an idea!
Archer: OK wait. Does it have anything to do with our current situation?
Cheryl: Yes!
Archer: OK, what is it?
Cheryl: We are stuck in an elevator?
Cyril: The idea! Not our current situation!

• Permalink: Cheryl: I have an idea!
• Added: February 05, 2015

Pam: Psst, Cyril rub one out.
Cyril: I do NOT want to masturbate
Pam: Not even after that (referencing Ray and Lana wrestling)

• Permalink: Cyril, rub one out
• Added: February 05, 2015

Lana: Remember when the office shut down and we spent an entire year as coke dealers?
Archer: What, so people just quit?

• Permalink: What, so people just quit?
• Added: February 05, 2015

Lana: What is it, soup?
Ray: Define soup.
Lana: Would it be safe to assume that no one wants to drink what's in your thermos?
Krieger: Sweet Jesus God, I would hope so!

• Permalink: Sweet Jesus God, I would hope so!
• Added: February 05, 2015

Well then, it's official. The sweater vest is officially good for nothing.

• Permalink: Well then, it's official. The sweater vest is officially good for nothing.
• Added: February 05, 2015