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Archer

(Barry walks into the Office thinking Lana killed Archer)
Lana: (offscreen) Barry, you might want to call the cleaners.
Barry: Wha...?
(We hear something smash)
Lana: (looks down at unconscious Barry) Because there is lamp everywhere.

(While chasing a rouge agent)
Archer: O.D.I.N. doesn't beat Sterling Archer, only Archer beats...
(The car stops in the Town Square, the Agent nowhere in sight)
Lana: Didja, wanna finish that thought?
Archer: Didja, wanna shut your negative (sturggles to think of insult) bad wordsy mouth!?

Carol: So after I..(dodges a thrown Vase) after I call your vase guy?
Malory: (refering to Archer) Freeze everyone of his accounts!! And then call woodhouse, then we'll see how long Sterling can go without suckling at my teat!
Carol: (shudder) Ugh!

Pam: Come on Ms. Archer! You've been in there ten hours, meet us half way and Krieger will let you out of there.
Krieger: Or else he'll crank up the heat again.
Cheryl: I love... that you know how to do that.
Krieger: And I love that I have an erection, that didn't involve homeless people.

(Carol to Cyril, who has his hand pinned to Pam's mouth)
Carol: (suspicous) What are you doing?
Cyril: (lying) Just trying to get my muffin back!
Carol: Uh, not like that your not (growls) You gotta slug her in the stomach, with a forarm shiver.
(Cyril looks at Pam, who gives him a pleading look)
Carol: DO IT!!!
Cyril: Sorry.
(Rams his forarm into Pam's stomach)
Pam: (Throws up contents and key) Bleeck!
Carol: See? Time lost is muffin lost (drops lunch bag) And so is my appetite.

(Kreiger is choking Carol/Cheryl with his robotic hand)
Carol/Cheryl: (strangled) Kreiger! Grrgh Doopp!! Goont Dooop!
(Kreiger turn off the arm, Carol/Cheryl pants and gasps)
Kreiger: OH GOD! I am so sorry I didn't realize...
Carol/Cheryl: (annoyed) What are you doing? I said "Don't stop!"

Lana: Cyril is already freaked out enough about us sharing this shoebox without you air-drying your unkempt bush.
Archer: Unkempt bush!? You're one to talk.
Lana: (goes to answer door) My vulva is a smoother than a veal cutlet!
(Opens door in her underwear to reveal Cyril in Steward outfit) Crappy timing...

(In engine room with Carol and Pam)
Pam: So in your, dream the impossible dream world, your ruining cyril's life because you think it'll make Archer jealous, thus getting him back to you?
Carol: (naked except for mop covering her) Ohhh, pamela you read me like a poem...
Pam: (disgusted) Oh Yeah? Well what's the poem gonna be about, when Cyril snaps and murder's you!?
Carol: (shrugs) I don't know, "World's Gushiest Orgasm?"

(Learning him and Lana have to share a one bed room)
Archer: Lana, lana, lana, lana (Shouts) LANNNNNAAAAAAA!!
Lana: WHAT!!!?
Archer: (snickers) Danger Zone....

Lana: Did Cyril run past here sobbing in a woman's bathrobe?
Malory: Well it wouldn't surprise me, you're driving him stark-raving mad.
Lana: What'd I do?
Malory: Running up and down in your cheap Fiachi knockoffs
Pam: Against the rules.
Malory: Half-naked, tits bouncing around like you're at a rodeo.

Cyril: Archer?
Archer: Cyril? What are you...
Cyril:(interrupting) I think I need your help, I think I'm losing it here, man.
Archer: What gave it away, my mother's robe?(furious) Why are you wearing my mother's robe?
Cyril: I can explain this!
Archer: I don't think I want you to!
Cyril: See, it all started when you and Lana were...
Archer:(Interrupting) Cyril, you should tell her this.
Cyril: I tried, but you were naked, and it was all vulva this and...
Archer: Yeah, yeah, and as you stand here, d*ck and/or balls being caressed by my mother's robe(ugh), Lana is waiting for you.
Cyril: Really, where?
Archer: The Led Zeppelin suite.
(pause)
Cyril: There's a Von Zeppelin suite
Archer: Which I'm sure is what I meant.
Cyril: Thanks, Archer, you're the best! (Hurries off)
Archer: I know

(Malory is in her bedroom with Pam and a unconcious Carol/Cheryl is laying on her bed half naked)
Malory: (annoyed) Mind telling me what this is about?
Pam: (nervous) Right here's the thing see what happened Cyril....
Malory: (gestures to Carol) JESUS CHRIST DID HE KILL HER!?
Pam: (frantic) No, no! He ran from her, to go confess to Lana. But then this one starts going crazy and...long story short I had to drown her in the bathtub.
Malory: So you killed her!? (Carol suddenly coughs up water gasping)
Pam: Apparently not...

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 75 in total

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Archer Season 1 Quotes

(Learning him and Lana have to share a one bed room)
Archer: Lana, lana, lana, lana (Shouts) LANNNNNAAAAAAA!!
Lana: WHAT!!!?
Archer: (snickers) Danger Zone....

KGB (Crenshaw): This may be old cliche, but... we have ways of making you talk.
Archer: What, your little go-kart battery?
KGB (Crenshaw): Golf cart.
Archer: Whatever. Would you pick an accent and stick with it?

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