(Barry walks into the Office thinking Lana killed Archer)
Lana: (offscreen) Barry, you might want to call the cleaners.
Barry: Wha...?
(We hear something smash)
Lana: (looks down at unconscious Barry) Because there is lamp everywhere.

(While chasing a rouge agent)
Archer: O.D.I.N. doesn't beat Sterling Archer, only Archer beats...
(The car stops in the Town Square, the Agent nowhere in sight)
Lana: Didja, wanna finish that thought?
Archer: Didja, wanna shut your negative (sturggles to think of insult) bad wordsy mouth!?

Carol: So after I..(dodges a thrown Vase) after I call your vase guy?
Malory: (refering to Archer) Freeze everyone of his accounts!! And then call woodhouse, then we'll see how long Sterling can go without suckling at my teat!
Carol: (shudder) Ugh!

Pam: Come on Ms. Archer! You've been in there ten hours, meet us half way and Krieger will let you out of there.
Krieger: Or else he'll crank up the heat again.
Cheryl: I love... that you know how to do that.
Krieger: And I love that I have an erection, that didn't involve homeless people.

(Carol to Cyril, who has his hand pinned to Pam's mouth)
Carol: (suspicous) What are you doing?
Cyril: (lying) Just trying to get my muffin back!
Carol: Uh, not like that your not (growls) You gotta slug her in the stomach, with a forarm shiver.
(Cyril looks at Pam, who gives him a pleading look)
Carol: DO IT!!!
Cyril: Sorry.
(Rams his forarm into Pam's stomach)
Pam: (Throws up contents and key) Bleeck!
Carol: See? Time lost is muffin lost (drops lunch bag) And so is my appetite.

(Kreiger is choking Carol/Cheryl with his robotic hand)
Carol/Cheryl: (strangled) Kreiger! Grrgh Doopp!! Goont Dooop!
(Kreiger turn off the arm, Carol/Cheryl pants and gasps)
Kreiger: OH GOD! I am so sorry I didn't realize...
Carol/Cheryl: (annoyed) What are you doing? I said "Don't stop!"

Lana: Cyril is already freaked out enough about us sharing this shoebox without you air-drying your unkempt bush.
Archer: Unkempt bush!? You're one to talk.
Lana: (goes to answer door) My vulva is a smoother than a veal cutlet!
(Opens door in her underwear to reveal Cyril in Steward outfit) Crappy timing...

(In engine room with Carol and Pam)
Pam: So in your, dream the impossible dream world, your ruining cyril's life because you think it'll make Archer jealous, thus getting him back to you?
Carol: (naked except for mop covering her) Ohhh, pamela you read me like a poem...
Pam: (disgusted) Oh Yeah? Well what's the poem gonna be about, when Cyril snaps and murder's you!?
Carol: (shrugs) I don't know, "World's Gushiest Orgasm?"

(Learning him and Lana have to share a one bed room)
Archer: Lana, lana, lana, lana (Shouts) LANNNNNAAAAAAA!!
Lana: WHAT!!!?
Archer: (snickers) Danger Zone....

Lana: Did Cyril run past here sobbing in a woman's bathrobe?
Malory: Well it wouldn't surprise me, you're driving him stark-raving mad.
Lana: What'd I do?
Malory: Running up and down in your cheap Fiachi knockoffs
Pam: Against the rules.
Malory: Half-naked, tits bouncing around like you're at a rodeo.

Cyril: Archer?
Archer: Cyril? What are you...
Cyril:(interrupting) I think I need your help, I think I'm losing it here, man.
Archer: What gave it away, my mother's robe?(furious) Why are you wearing my mother's robe?
Cyril: I can explain this!
Archer: I don't think I want you to!
Cyril: See, it all started when you and Lana were...
Archer:(Interrupting) Cyril, you should tell her this.
Cyril: I tried, but you were naked, and it was all vulva this and...
Archer: Yeah, yeah, and as you stand here, d*ck and/or balls being caressed by my mother's robe(ugh), Lana is waiting for you.
Cyril: Really, where?
Archer: The Led Zeppelin suite.
(pause)
Cyril: There's a Von Zeppelin suite
Archer: Which I'm sure is what I meant.
Cyril: Thanks, Archer, you're the best! (Hurries off)
Archer: I know

(Malory is in her bedroom with Pam and a unconcious Carol/Cheryl is laying on her bed half naked)
Malory: (annoyed) Mind telling me what this is about?
Pam: (nervous) Right here's the thing see what happened Cyril....
Malory: (gestures to Carol) JESUS CHRIST DID HE KILL HER!?
Pam: (frantic) No, no! He ran from her, to go confess to Lana. But then this one starts going crazy and...long story short I had to drown her in the bathtub.
Malory: So you killed her!? (Carol suddenly coughs up water gasping)
Pam: Apparently not...

Archer Season 1 Quotes

(Learning him and Lana have to share a one bed room)
Archer: Lana, lana, lana, lana (Shouts) LANNNNNAAAAAAA!!
Lana: WHAT!!!?
Archer: (snickers) Danger Zone....

No no no no, like a big sweaty fireman carries you out of a burning building, lays you on the sidewalk and you think, yeah, ok he's going to give me mouth to mouth. Instead, he just starts choking the shit out of you, and the last sensation you feel before you die, is that he's squeezing your throat so hard that a big wet blob of drool drips off his teeth and just, plurp, falls right onto your popped out eye ball.

Cheryl