Archer

Archer Season 1 Quotes

Season 1 Episode 10: "Dial M for Mother"

ISIS Agent: No.
Pam: Yes!
ISIS Agent: No.
Pam: Have sex with me!
ISIS Agent: No.
Pam: Please?
ISIS Agent: No!
Pam: Gesturing with the dolphin hand-puppet towards his crotch
Aww, come on..
ISIS Agent: Pam...
Pam: Still in the dolphin voice
Nobody will ever know....
ISIS Agent: Yeah... I'd know.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(Lana's voice is heard on Intercom)
Lana: Hi, if any of you men want to have sex with me (Cyril gasps) Come to my office and take a number.

(A large crowd of men appear before Lana's office. With Pam shoving her way thru.)
Pam: You heard the lady! (holds up piece of paper with number one on it) Take a number!!
 • Rating: Unrated

Archer: I'm hungry.
Malory: So lick that coat. You smell like a...
Archer: Grill cheese.
Malory: What?
Archer: Grill me a cheese.
Malory: I'm not grilling you a cheese!
Archer: (Begins sobbing)
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Malory: What! Who's there!? What do you want!? Because all your gonna get is holes...Uh.. I mean... holes in you... not my holes...
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lana: (to Cyril) Seriously, you cheated on me with Carol!?
(Mentioned girl passes by open door)
Cheryl: It's Cheryl!
Lana: (to Cyril) Exactly, I think I made my point.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Trying to figure out who Archers father is)
Archer: And just who might my dad be?
Malory: Gene Krupa, no wait... not Krupa... the other one, the one with Teeth......Buddy Rich.
Archer: (shocked) What?
Malory: I could never say no to a drummer.
Archer: (furious) COULD YOU SAY NO TO ANYONE!!?
(Malory vicously slaps him across face and glares)
Malory: (glowering) I said no to plenty.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Malory: This is why I can't have nice things
Archer: Why, because you shoot them?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Sterling Archer: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? (throws glass tumbler into decanter)
Malory Archer: I must be, because it looks like you just destroyed my Steuben bar set.
Sterling Archer: Well you just destroyed my innocence!
Malory Archer: Oh Please! That Brazilian au pair did that when you were thirteen.
Sterling Archer: Twelve.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 9: "Job Offer"

Malory: (discussing Arhcer) He'll be back! Crying for his mommy, just like that christmas break when I moved and forgot to give the boarding school my new address. (Carol who's listening gasps) I mean he rode the train all the way into town he couldn't pick up a phone book!? (Carol gasps horrified) 9 years old and crying for his mommy in that Police Station like a little girl! What does that tell you?
Carol: (disgusted) Kind of a lot actually....
Malory: (annoyed) Oh shut up I bet your barren.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Malory is Depressed because she thinks Sterling's Dead)
Malory: (Despondent) Bring me some posion Pam because I don't wish to live anymore! I'm dead inside...
Pam: (holding notice) Too, dead inside to read good news?
Malory: (overly dramatic) Is it my Obituary?
Pam: (smirking) Well, it's not that much good news.
Malory: (snarling) GIVE ME THAT, OAF!!
(looks at paper) OH MY GOD! Sterling! He's Alive!!
 • Rating: Unrated

Carol: So after I..(dodges a thrown Vase) after I call your vase guy?

Malory: (refering to Archer) Freeze everyone of his accounts!! And then call woodhouse, then we'll see how long Sterling can go without suckling at my teat!

Carol: (shudder) Ugh!
 • Rating: Unrated

(After Lana pretends to kill Archer)
Barry: (To himself) Barry, does this make up for Framboise? It does other Barry, it sure does.
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

(Barry walks into the Office thinking Lana killed Archer)
Lana: (offscreen) Barry, you might want to call the cleaners.

Barry: Wha...?
(We hear something smash)

Lana: (looks down at unconscious Barry) Because there is lamp everywhere.
 • Rating: Unrated

(While chasing a rouge agent)
Archer: O.D.I.N. doesn't beat Sterling Archer, only Archer beats...
(The car stops in the Town Square, the Agent nowhere in sight)
Lana: Didja, wanna finish that thought?
Archer: Didja, wanna shut your negative (sturggles to think of insult) bad wordsy mouth!?
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Season 1 Episode 8: "The Rock"

(Kreiger is choking Carol/Cheryl with his robotic hand)
Carol/Cheryl: (strangled) Kreiger! Grrgh Doopp!! Goont Dooop!
(Kreiger turn off the arm, Carol/Cheryl pants and gasps)
Kreiger: OH GOD! I am so sorry I didn't realize...
Carol/Cheryl: (annoyed) What are you doing? I said "Don't stop!"
 • Rating: Unrated

(Carol to Cyril, who has his hand pinned to Pam's mouth)
Carol: (suspicous) What are you doing?
Cyril: (lying) Just trying to get my muffin back!
Carol: Uh, not like that your not (growls) You gotta slug her in the stomach, with a forarm shiver.
(Cyril looks at Pam, who gives him a pleading look)
Carol: DO IT!!!
Cyril: Sorry.
(Rams his forarm into Pam's stomach)
Pam: (Throws up contents and key) Bleeck!
Carol: See? Time lost is muffin lost (drops lunch bag) And so is my appetite.
 • Rating: Unrated

Pam: Come on Ms. Archer! You've been in there ten hours, meet us half way and Krieger will let you out of there.
Krieger: Or else he'll crank up the heat again.
Cheryl: I love... that you know how to do that.
Krieger: And I love that I have an erection, that didn't involve homeless people.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 1 Episode 7: "Skytanic"

Lana: Cyril is already freaked out enough about us sharing this shoebox without you air-drying your unkempt bush.

Archer: Unkempt bush!? You're one to talk.

Lana: (goes to answer door) My vulva is a smoother than a veal cutlet!
(Opens door in her underwear to reveal Cyril in Steward outfit) Crappy timing...
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

(Malory is in her bedroom with Pam and a unconcious Carol/Cheryl is laying on her bed half naked)
Malory: (annoyed) Mind telling me what this is about?
Pam: (nervous) Right here's the thing see what happened Cyril....
Malory: (gestures to Carol) JESUS CHRIST DID HE KILL HER!?
Pam: (frantic) No, no! He ran from her, to go confess to Lana. But then this one starts going crazy and...long story short I had to drown her in the bathtub.
Malory: So you killed her!? (Carol suddenly coughs up water gasping)
Pam: Apparently not...
 • Rating: Unrated

(Finding out Carol/Cheryl and Cyril had sex)
Pam: (luaghing) Oh My God hahaha! You two banged?
Cyril: See, here's the thing...um..uh...well..FRUIT BASKET!! (THrows basket at the girls and runs out)
Pam: (to Carol) Wow. You are just a dog in a manger aren't you?
Cheryl: (snarky) I don't know what that means Pam. I wasn't raised on a cheese farm..
Pam: OH FOR THE LOVE OF...(glaring at Carol) It's called a Dairy
 • Rating: Unrated

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