Michael: I -- I was wondering if you might be willing to go somewhere with me? I -- I will pay you.
Rita: ... You'll pay me?
Michael: Not ... Not for sex. You're gonna think that I'm Jack the Ripper, right? Didn't he kill prostitutes, or ...
Rita: I'm not a prostitute.
Michael: And I shall let you live ... haha. This is my worst hello.

George Michael: I'm just in the middle of a stupid girl problem. That's all.
Michael: I don't even have a girl, much less a stupid one.
George Michael: No, the problem is stupid; the girl isn't stupid.
Narrator: But if they ever had a child, it would be. Because the girl was his cousin Maeby.

George: Are you ready for the bombshell?
Michael: Andy Griffith wasn't the bombshell?
George: I'm a patsy. I was set up by the Brits. A group of British builders operating outside the O.C.
Michael: Don't call it that.

These are dangerous people, Michael. They will do whatever it takes to get inside this family and bring us down....Oh, they're polite and the men all sound gay, but they will rip out your heart. And their breath...

George Sr.

I realized it was for being a leading man. Oh, I can just taste those meaty leading man parts in my mouth!

Tobias

Mister Gay...he's bleeding! Mister Gay!

Lupe

Michael was filled with self-loathing. Had he been Jack the Ripper, he would have soothed himself in a most unsavory way. But instead, he just sat in his car and ate a whole thing of candy beans.

Narrator

Michael: The feeling that you're feeling is what many of us call...a feeling.
Gob: It's not like envy, or even hungry.
Michael: Could it be love?
Gob: I know what an erection feels like, Michael. No, it's the opposite. It's like my heart is getting hard.

Michael: Pre-schools just go half-day, right? And I'm not trying to pick you up, but is there any way that I can, I can come by, pick you up, and bring you here?
Rita: Yeah, I, um, I suppose I could sneak out at nap time.
Michael: Yes? Perfect, great. And I shall drop you off alive, hooker or no. (mouths 'What is wrong with me?' as he walks off)

Displaying quotes 1 - 9 of 19 in total