Arrested Development Season 1 Episode 1: "Pilot" Quotes
Tobias: I'm alright, gang. What an adventure gang. I thought that the homosexuals were pirates, but it turns out most of them were actors in the local theater. You're right, though. It is amazing, I've been waiting for the universe to provide a path for me ... And I think it has ...
Lindsay: You're gay?
Tobias: No. No ... Ha, I'm not gay. How many times must we have this conversation?
Lucille: Everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant. It just makes me want to set myself on fire!
Lindsay: Good grief, Mother! Not all homosexuals are flamboy -- Oh, my God, I have the exact same blouse.
Michael: Dad was always banker, so there was no beating him.
George Michael: He should have been stocking up on those "get out of jail free" cards.
Well, I'm sorry. It's just it's too late. I'm truly sorry, but I'm moving to Phoenix. I got a job. (long pause) It's something you apply for, and then they pay you to, um ... never mind. I don't want to ruin the surprise.Michael
(regarding uncircumcised penises) I think it looks frightening when it's cut off. It's a Doberman -- let it have its ears.Lindsay
George Sr.: They cannot arrest a husband and wife for the same crime.
Michael: Yeah? I don't think that that's true, dad.
George Sr.: Really? I've got the worst (bleep) attorneys!
Tobias recently lost his medical license for administering C.P.R. to a person who, as it turns out, was not having a heart attack.Narrator
Lucille: If you're saying I play favorites, you're wrong. I love all my children equally.
(Earlier that day)
Lucille: I don't care for Gob.
Michael: (about George Michael) Well, I guess he really misses his family.
Lindsay: Well, he doesn't know us very well.
Michael: Yeah, clearly.
Gob: So what? Lindsay's been staying at the Four Seas for, like, a month- she's probably charging the company.
Michael: Lindsay's been in town for a month?
Gob: I don't think so.
Michael: What have we always said is the most important thing. What comes first?
George Michael: Breakfast.
George Michael: Family. Right. I thought you meant out of the things you eat.
Michael: Maybe you'll be inspired by the boat party tonight and start a career as a pirate.
Tobias: I haven't packed for that.