Terry: I specifically said "no shorts."
Scully: Sarge, it's not my fault. You said so many things about shorts, I got confused

Here are the rules. No staring at your phone, no rolling in two hours late, no sweatpants, no jeans, no shorts.


I'm fine at parties. I just stand in the middle of the room and don't say anything.


Oh man! All the orange soda spilled out of my cereal.


There's very little street parking, no gifts, no singing of Happy Birthday. Should be fun.


It's probably just an empty white cube with a USB port for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.


Who's Kevin Cozner? Is he the star of "Danzzes with Wolvezz?"


Amy: The greatest thing that could ever happen has just happened.
Jake: The girl who beat you for high school valedictorian died?

The last lady I went out with burst into tears when I told her I was a Gemini.


Amy: What was your worst date ever?
Jake: I think it's like a 50-way tie.

Permission to go to the bathroom?
Jake. Granted. First of three. Use them wisely.


I think I am...getting a text message. Bloop! There it is.