Have you heard of Switzerland? It's a country in Europe and they don't like to fight. They let everybody do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate

Larry

Cheryl: There's no lock on that bathroom door.
Larry: I know.
Cheryl: That's crazy!
Larry: I know... it's insane!

Stop scratching your balls and tell me where it is! Alright, just get me the fucking head, alright?! Get me the fucking head, alright!? Both of you, I've had it! You four-eyed fuck and you fat piece of shit, get me the head!

Susie

Larry: I don't know why you call him an asshole. He's not an asshole, he's just shy.
Cheryl: No, he's not shy. He thinks he's smarter than ever everbody else and he sits there and he judges and he-
Larry: No, he doesn't, he's just shy! You got shy/asshole confusion, my friend.
Cheryl: No, I don't think so.
Larry: Yes, I think so my friend.

I'm telling you, soon it's going to be Casual Monday. Five to ten years—that's the direction we're heading. It's gonna be a sad state of affairs

Larry [on his diatribe against Casual Fridays]

Larry: I'm a man of honor.
Acupuncturist: It's a family tradition, honor.
Larry: Well, it's not in my family, but I'm trying to break the mold

John: Thank you for your time and for donating the lunch. We really appreciate it.
Larry: Please, whatever you need. I'll donate anything you want. I'll donate it all. My time, my organs. What do you want? You want a kidney? I'll give you a kidney. What else do you need? I've got a terrific penis. I could donate a penis. I've got a good spleen. Excellent spleen. [starts singing] "Mr. Spleen gets rid of dirt and grime, and grease in just a minute. Mr. Spleen will clean your whole house and everything that's in it, Mr. Spleen."

Larry: Big family?
John: Yeah. Five brothers and sisters, you know, Irish.
Larry: You ever catch your parents having sex?
John: No..
Larry: Me either

So I'm really happy with my new sneakers. You know, 'cause they're gray. And, if you think about it's a good color, 'cause white is really too bright and black is like a pair of shoes. And gray is kind of like right in the middle. They look good

Larry

Therapist: I see swings of emotion that disturb me a little bit, Larry.
Larry: There's no swings. I'm a hammock. A hammock is very placid

Richard: This is my 28th therapist since 1969. I don't want any more. I don't want to break the record.
Larry: The recap is very hard, isn't it? Your recap is two, three months, isn't it?
Richard: "Two, three months?" That's just the crib!

Larry: I don't really get this fascination that people have with the ocean.
Cheryl: No?
Larry: I mean, I stare at it for ten minutes, and I go, "Okay, I get it.

Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 2 Quotes

Larry: I think I am just going to get a Cobb Salad. I'd like to make a few substitutions, if that's OK. I'll get... no bacon. No eggs. Bleu cheese on the side.
Cliff Cobb: Are you sure you want a Cobb Salad? Do you do that every time you order that salad?
Larry: Do you have a problem with it?
Cliff Cobb: It's my grandfather's salad. I'm a Cobb of Cobb salad fame.
Larry: I think that this is a real bullshit story

Wanda Sykes: Larry, you are an ass man!
Larry: I am not an ass man! I don't have an ass fetish! I am not obssessed with asses