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I don't really like the outdoors, you know. It's not a good place for bald people out thereLarry
- Permalink: I don't really like the outdoors, you know. It's not a good plac...
Larry: How were the garlic noodles the other night?
Alan Wasserman: What?
Larry: The garlic noodles?
Alan Wasserman: I didn't touch your garlic noodles.
Larry: I didn't say you touched my garlic noodles. They were your garlic noodles.
Alan Wasserman: Right.
Larry: But you did touch the shrimp
- Permalink: How were the garlic noodles the other night? What? The garli...
Larry: This isn't our food.
Cheryl: Did you check the order before you left?
Larry: Yeah, I did, but I decided to take the wrong food home. Thank you for inquiring
- Permalink: This isn't our food. Did you check the order before you left? ...
Larry: He implied that I was lying about my step-father.
Jeff: You don't have a step-father!
Larry: But I didn't like the implication
- Permalink: He implied that I was lying about my step-father. You don't ha...
You throw in a "fuck," you double your laughsLarry
- Permalink: You throw in a f**k, you double your laughs
Trick or treaters: It's Halloween, can we get some candy?
Larry: Yeah, it's Halloween but that doesn't mean you can go around to people's houses and bilk candy from them
- Permalink: It's Halloween, can we get some candy? Yeah, it's Halloween bu...
Walter [to Larry]: Are you Jewish?
Larry: You wanna check my penis?
- Permalink: Are you Jewish? You wanna check my penis?
Walter: You know what you are? You are a self loathing Jew.
Larry: I do hate myself, but it has nothing to do with being Jewish
- Permalink: You know what you are? You are a self loathing Jew. I do hate ...
I didn't know it was going to be felony-or-treatLarry
- Permalink: I didn't know it was going to be felony-or-treat
Larry: "Bald asshole?" That's a hate crime. We consider ourselves to be a group.
Police Officer: I'm bald and I'm not offended.
Larry: With all due respect, Officer Berg, you are not bald. You've chosen to shave your hair and that's a look you're cultivating in order to look fashionable, but we don't really consider you part of the bald community... with all due respect
- Permalink: Bald asshole? That's a hate crime. We consider ourselves to be a...
Larry: I think I am just going to get a Cobb Salad. I'd like to make a few substitutions, if that's OK. I'll get... no bacon. No eggs. Bleu cheese on the side.
Cliff Cobb: Are you sure you want a Cobb Salad? Do you do that every time you order that salad?
Larry: Do you have a problem with it?
Cliff Cobb: It's my grandfather's salad. I'm a Cobb of Cobb salad fame.
Larry: I think that this is a real bullshit story
- Permalink: I think I am just going to get a Cobb Salad. I'd like to make a ...
Larry: Wrestling's fixed.
Thor's kid 1: What do you mean?
Larry: All the matches are set up beforehand. The winners are all pre-determined. It's completely illegitimate.
Thor's kid 2: You mean it's fake?
Larry: Exactly, fake. That's exactly the word I'm looking for. Dad's kind of a big fake. You know what he is? He's more of an actor than a wrestler.
Thor's kid 1: Dad's an actor?
Larry: That's right. The whole thing's a big phoney boloney. Everybody knows that. Nobody thinks it's real. You tell him the bald turd said hello.
- Permalink: Wrestling's fixed. What do you mean? All the matches are set...