Popular Desperate Housewives Quotes
Dr. Barr: Hey there. I was surprised to hear you wanted a session.
Bree: Well, there's nothing like being tied to a bed to change a girl's mind.
Dr. Barr: What do you wanna talk about?
Bree: Anything at all. As you said, I...I have a lot of issues.
Dr. Barr: Well, I assumed as much when you told the ridiculous story about your daughter running off with a murderer.
Bree: Saw right through that, did ya?
Dr. Barr: Well, I'm a trained professional, Bree. The human mind is my playground.
Bree: Well, I'm glad that you're having fun.
(to dead body) "Tu me manques, Monique" ("I Miss You Monique").
Orson
Preston: We don't want to get spanked.
Porter: Yeah, we promise we'll be good.
Lynette: Too late, you stole and then you lied. Even worse, you made me look bad in front of Mrs. McCluskey, who you know is mommy's sworn enemy. Time to pick your poison. How 'bout a belt? It's a classic... Well, we could go with the old hickory stick. It's a cliche, but it's pretty effective. I know, we'll go with the spatula. The holes give it less wind resistance; moves faster.
Scavo kids: No! No! No! No!
Lynette: Guys, guys, guys, hey my hands are tied. Thieves get spanked. Just the way it works. Unless...
Porter: Unless what?
Lynette: For a first time offense, if you swear, cross your heart, that you will never, never steal again, and you write Mrs. McCluskey a letter of apology, I will let it slide.
Scavo kids: Okay! Yeh! We swear! Yeh! We swear!
Lynette: Alright, start with Dear Mrs. McCluskey.
Porter: Mommy, why are you smiling?
Lynette: Do you know what physiological warfare means?
Porter: No.
Lynette: Well, too bad for you
Paul: Zach is all I have left in the world. Through everything that's happened, I've never stopped loving him. Can you please get him to come down here to see me?
Mike: That's one hell of a favor. Man, you have some nerve.
Paul: I know, it's kind of what got me in here.
I'm not ready to get over it. I have a lot of anger to work through before we sweep this under the carpet and move on.
Lynette [on Tom's affair]
(to Susan) Whatever - I'm doing it, so keep your trap shut!
Edie
I'm been home-schooling my daughter and it's been a living Hell, so I tried to bribe someone to get her into Catholic school.
Gabrielle
Let's find something fun-size for me to enjoy.
Renee
Lynette: I couldn't find Mrs. Mulberry's umbrella, so I brought her her sun hat instead, all right? And, here we go.
Parker: It's in the shower.
Lynette: What?
Parker: Mrs. Mulberry said she left it in the shower.
Lynette: Well, why didn't Mrs. Mulberry volunteer that information before I turned your room upside down looking for it, hmm?
Parker: (Pauses) So are you gonna go get it?
Lynette: No, I'm not going to get the damn umbrella!
We will find someone. Someone who does not remember where they were when Lincoln was shot!
<I>Tom has asked Mrs. McCluskey to babysit the kids much to Lynette's chagrin</i> Lynette
(Carlos calls while Gabrielle picnics on the lawn with Bill)
Carlos: Hey, hey, who's the dork?
Gabrielle: Carlos?
Carlos: What's with that cap? Extra! Extra! Read all about it!
Gabrielle: Where the hell are you?
(She looks around her and sees Carlos on Mike's frontporch, watching them as he drinks a beer. He waves at her)
Gabrielle: What are you doing at Mike's house?
Carlos: I live here.
Gabrielle: What do you mean you live there? Since when?
Carlos: Gabby, my car's been in the driveway for three weeks. Even you can't be that self-absorbed.
Gabrielle: Well, as you can see, I have more pleasant things to focus on.
Carlos: So when you gonna tell Jimmy Olsen there that you hate picnics?
Gabrielle: I'm gonna hang up now.
Carlos: Hey, are there any decent, single women at this wedding?
Waiter: Not that I have seen it.
Lynette: Hey, Carlos. You should come over to our table, that's where all the hotties are.
