Desperate Housewives Season 3 Episode 16: "My Husband, the Pig" Quotes
Mike: (referencing the night Monique was killed) What do you think the police would say if they knew you were there that night?
Orson: What do you think they would say if they knew you threw me off a roof?
(The boys have gathered at Tom's restraurant when Ian walks in)
Mike: Hey, Ian.
Ian: Nice to see you Mike.
(Mike rolls his eyes at the other guys)
Carlos: What is fish'n'chips doing here?
Tom: Susan asked me to include him, she said he always wanted to learn how to play poker so we're gonna give him some very expensive lessons.
Mike: Be careful, he already knows how to bluff.
Beer is on the house, guys. Drink fast, get stupid and lose money.
Tom
Rex: (narrating) Take a drive down any street in suburbia. Know what you're gonna see? A bunch of guys wearing the same expression. It's a look that says: Oh, crap. My dreams are never gonna come true. I'll never have a life free from scandal. I'll never have a son of my own. I'll never hold her in my arms again. I'll never get to tell her how I feel. Yeah, the suburbs are filledwith a lot of men who have given up hope. Of course, every once in a while you do come across some lucky SOB whose dreams have all come true. You know how you spot them? They're the ones who can't stop smiling. Don't you just hate those guys?
(narrating) This is Ian. Don't really know the guy, but Susan Mayer seems to like him. The other night, he surprised her with a proposal. She said yes, but he's still a little skittish about the competition. But Ian knows that if love is war... sometimes you gotta bring out the big artillery.
Rex
(narrating) This is my friend Tom. Have you heard what he's been up to lately? The silly bastard opened up his own pizza place. He thought that if he was his own boss, he could sleep in as late as he wanted, but the problem with that logic is that married guys... are never their own boss.
Rex
(narrating) Take a drive down any street in suburbia. Know what you're gonna see? Desperate women. That's right.. one unhappy housewife after another, each completely miserable.. in her own unique way. But I don't want to talk about them. No, I want to talk about their men and what happens to a guy when that special lady in his life starts to lose it. Like my friend Carlos. He used to have it all.. hot wife, tons of dough, then bam! She gets a divorce, and he gets stuck with the bill. But does he sit around and complain like your average hausfrau? No, Sir. He finds creative ways to get what you can out of life.
Rex
(narrating) My name is Rex Van De Kamp. I always hated cemeteries when I was alive. Now that I'm dead, I like 'em even less. Here's where I used to live.. a whole lot nicer, don't you think? The place hasn't changed much since I left.. as tasteful and tidy as ever. Everything perfect.. at least on the surface. My family was the same way. Look at us. You'd never guess how ticked off we all were the day this was taken, but that was the thing about us Van De Kamps. To really fit in, you had to have a smile that gave away nothing. Like my son Andrew.. to look at him, you'd never know he spent six months on the streets supporting himself with panhandling and light prostitution. Or my daughter Danielle.. does she look like the kind of girl who'd seduce her middle-aged history teacher? I mean, they're my kids, and I love 'em, but I'm pretty darn relieved to be dead. Here's the clown Bree replaced me with.. Orson. I don't mind saying, he's creeped me out right from the get-go. To me, he always has the shifty look of a guy who knows where the bodies are buried.. and he should know. He buried them. But Bree thinks he's Sir Galahad. The kids like him. And all my friends.. now, his friends. So it pleases me to know that at least one of my old neighbors sees right through the guy.
Rex
Orson: The hotel number is on the fridge in case there's a problem.
Andrew: Actually, we kind of already have a problem.
Orson: I'm already late for my flight, can this problem wait a few weeks till we're back?
Andrew: Yes, it can wait a few weeks. I mean, heck, this can wait... nine months.
Orson: (looks at Danielle, who looks worried)Oh, Lord.
Gabrielle just agreed to have lunch with Victor Lang.
Victor: Great, I'll take us to Cucina. There's no place harder to get into.
Gabrielle: That's what you think.
Tom: Hey, you've got a cousin in the limo business, don't you?
Carlos: Actually, I've got a cousin in the limo as a front for prostitution business.
Austin: You won't return my calls.
Julie: Well, I've been busy. Plus, my mom caught you naked on top of my friend!
