Desperate Housewives "My Husband, the Pig" Quotes
Mike: (referencing the night Monique was killed) What do you think the police would say if they knew you were there that night?
Orson: What do you think they would say if they knew you threw me off a roof?
• Rating: Unrated
Nurse: Again, sorry for the mix up. If you could just sign right here.
Mike: (looking at the engagement ring that was in his things) I don't remember this. You sure that's mine?
Nurse: It was on you the night you were admitted.
Mike: I got hit by a car, I don't remember anything about that night.
Nurse: Well it looks like you were going to propose to someone. (reading the inscription on the ring) Susan, be mine forever, Mike. Does that ring a bell?
Mike: Sure does.
• Rating: Unrated
Tom: What about my sex? I always get sex on our anniversary.
Lynette: We can still have sex, just try not to wake me.
• Rating: Unrated
Austin: You won't return my calls.
Julie: Well, I've been busy. Plus, my mom caught you naked on top of my friend!
• Rating: Unrated
Tom: Hey, you've got a cousin in the limo business, don't you?
Carlos: Actually, I've got a cousin in the limo as a front for prostitution business.
• Rating: Unrated
Gabrielle just agreed to have lunch with Victor Lang.
Victor: Great, I'll take us to Cucina. There's no place harder to get into.
Gabrielle: That's what you think.
• Rating: Unrated
Orson: The hotel number is on the fridge in case there's a problem.
Andrew: Actually, we kind of already have a problem.
Orson: I'm already late for my flight, can this problem wait a few weeks till we're back?
Andrew: Yes, it can wait a few weeks. I mean, heck, this can wait... nine months.
Orson: (looks at Danielle, who looks worried)Oh, Lord.
• Rating: Unrated
Rex: (narrating) My name is Rex Van De Kamp. I always hated cemeteries when I was alive. Now that I'm dead, I like 'em even less. Here's where I used to live.. a whole lot nicer, don't you think? The place hasn't changed much since I left.. as tasteful and tidy as ever. Everything perfect.. at least on the surface. My family was the same way. Look at us. You'd never guess how ticked off we all were the day this was taken, but that was the thing about us Van De Kamps. To really fit in, you had to have a smile that gave away nothing. Like my son Andrew.. to look at him, you'd never know he spent six months on the streets supporting himself with panhandling and light prostitution. Or my daughter Danielle.. does she look like the kind of girl who'd seduce her middle-aged history teacher? I mean, they're my kids, and I love 'em, but I'm pretty darn relieved to be dead. Here's the clown Bree replaced me with.. Orson. I don't mind saying, he's creeped me out right from the get-go. To me, he always has the shifty look of a guy who knows where the bodies are buried.. and he should know. He buried them. But Bree thinks he's Sir Galahad. The kids like him. And all my friends.. now, his friends. So it pleases me to know that at least one of my old neighbors sees right through the guy.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Rex: (narrating) Take a drive down any street in suburbia. Know what you're gonna see? Desperate women. That's right.. one unhappy housewife after another, each completely miserable.. in her own unique way. But I don't want to talk about them. No, I want to talk about their men and what happens to a guy when that special lady in his life starts to lose it. Like my friend Carlos. He used to have it all.. hot wife, tons of dough, then bam! She gets a divorce, and he gets stuck with the bill. But does he sit around and complain like your average hausfrau? No, Sir. He finds creative ways to get what you can out of life.
• Rating: Unrated
Rex: (narrating) This is my friend Tom. Have you heard what he's been up to lately? The silly bastard opened up his own pizza place. He thought that if he was his own boss, he could sleep in as late as he wanted, but the problem with that logic is that married guys... are never their own boss.
• Rating: Unrated
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Total Quotes: 15
