Rex: I can't believe you tried to kill me.
Bree: Yes, well, I feel badly about that

My name is Mary Alice Young. When you read this morning's paper you may come across an article about the unusual day I had last week. Normally there is never anything newsworthy about my life, but that all changed last Thursday. Of course everything seemed quite normal at first. I made breakfast for my family, I performed my chores, I completed my projects, I ran my errands. In truth, I spent the day as I spent every other day, quietly polishing the routine of my life, until it gleamed with perfection. That's why it was so astonishing when I decided to go to my hallway closet and retrieve a revolver that had never been used

Mary Alice

Gabrielle: This table is hand carved, Carlos had it imported from Italy. It cost him $22,000.
John: So, you wanna do it on the table this time?
Gabrielle: Absolutely

Gabrielle: It's like my grandmother always said: An erect penis doesn't have a conscience.
Lynette: Even the limp ones aren't that ethical

Susan: How would you feel if I used your child support payments for plastic surgery?
Julie: You look fine.
Susan: If you could cut back to two meals a day, I could get a chemical peel

John: So, why are we here? Why are we doing this?
Gabrielle: Because I don't want to wake up one morning with the sudden urge to blow my brains out.
John: Hey, can I have a drag?
Gabrielle: Absolutely not. You're much too young to smoke

Danielle: Why can't we ever have normal soup?
Bree: Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree

Andrew: I'm saying, do you always have to serve cuisine? Can't we ever just have food?
Bree: Are you doing drugs?
Andrew: What?
Bree: Change in behavior is one of the warning signs and you have been as fresh as paint for the last six months. That certainly would explain why you're always locked in the bathroom.
Danielle: Trust me, that is not what he is doing.
Andrew: Shut up

Carlos: It's business. Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives.
Gabrielle: Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass.
Carlos: I made over $200,000 doing business with him last year. If he wants to grab your ass, you let him

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