And when he got drunk he was a totally different person. One time I thought he was gonna kill me.


You couldn't kill that man's penis with a stick. I know, I tried once.


You said I could call myself a butler.


Maybe not the deaf. They don't have to hear her awful whine.


I'm not going to lie, being in a wheelchair is boring and this promises to be positively scintillating.


Do all the maids have to be Latina? It seems kind of racist.

Eva Longoria

Nick: For what it’s worth, I am so sorry.
Evelyn: After all these years, it’s worth nothing at all.

Adrian: I think of Valentina as a daughter.
Evelyn: Oedipus would be proud.

If I want to hear a sexy accent, I can talk to myself.


Adrian: I keep wondering how in God’s name we manage to outlast so many other couples. I think it’s our sense of humor.
Evelyn: Oh, I was going to credit our high tolerance of adultery or perversion.

Zoila: Marriage is exciting, isn’t it?
Marisol: Now, if you’ll both excuse me, I have to go turn my husband into the police.

I let you get away from me once. I can’t let that happen again.