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Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's... that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one.
- Permalink: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal...
Peter: Well, I'm gettin' something really special too. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinaman boy down the street. More special like... like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happened to K. Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard.
Brian: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter: I drift in and out
- Permalink: Well, I'm gettin' something really special too. And by special I...
Chris: Dad, I tried to go to school but this guy won't let me.
Peter: Oh yeah? Him and what army?
Chris: The U.S. Army.
Peter: Oh, that's a good army
- Permalink: Dad, I tried to go to school but this guy won't let me. Oh yea...
Brian: Face it, Peter. It's over. Why don't you sit down with the mayor and negotiate some kind of treaty?
Peter: Negotiate? Peter Griffin doesn't know the meaning of the word "negotiate."
- Permalink: Face it, Peter. It's over. Why don't you sit down with the mayor...
From this day forth, this territory will be known as Petoria. I was gonna call it Peterland, but that gay bar down by the airport already took it
- Permalink: From this day forth, this territory will be known as Petoria. I ...
Peter: Barkeep, petro nemo slappywag. That's Petorian for "More beer, you slappywag."
Horace: You still owe me for the other rounds, which comes to fifty bucks.
Peter: I'm a foreign diplomat. I don't pay for drinks. Do you think G. Gordon Liddy paid for his drinks while he was strangling people with piano wire for the good of our nation?
- Permalink: Barkeep, petro nemo slappywag. That's Petorian for More beer, yo...
Lois: It's time to call this whole thing off. Nobody's on our side.
Peter: Are you nuts? Look at all these telegrams. "Nice going, Libya." "You da man, North Korea." "Great job, Iraq." Iraq, Lois! You know what? I'm gonna invite a few of these fellas over for a party
- Permalink: It's time to call this whole thing off. Nobody's on our side. ...
Peter: Good morning, Joe.
Joe: Uh, Peter, what are you doing in my pool?
Peter: This is the newest province of Petoria. I call it "Johio."
Joe: What? You can't just come over here and annex my pool.
Peter: Yeah? Well, according to paragraph seven, sentence three, word eight of the Geneva Convention, "The." So tough luck, Swanson
- Permalink: Good morning, Joe. Uh, Peter, what are you doing in my pool? ...
Peter: First, I will return Joe's pool.
Joe: Oh, you got that right.
Peter: In exchange, I demand access to it on alternate weekends.
Peter: Accepted. I also demand to remain my own independent nation.
Adam West: Absolutely not.
Peter: How about you just give me your pen?
Adam West: You mean this cheap little pen we have millions of back at the office?
Adam West: No
- Permalink: First, I will return Joe's pool. Oh, you got that right. In ...
Miss Stratford: Well, Mr. Griffin, you don't owe any money. Unfortunately, you are not entitled to a refund. (Peter screams) Mr. Griffin are you okay?
Peter: Sorry, I still haven't gotten over the loss of Party of Five. It'll take some time to get over it. Now what were you saying?
Miss Stratford: You're not entitled to refund. (Peter screams.)
Peter: I'm sorry. Come again?
Miss Stratford: You're not entitled to a refund. (Peter screams.) Was that for Party of Five, too?
Peter: No. That was for my refund. What the hell's Party of Five?
- Permalink: Well, Mr. Griffin, you don't owe any money. Unfortunately, you a...
Peter [reading his tax refund]: Oh my god, it's better than I thought. An Audi! I'm gettin' a car!
Brian: Uh, Peter, there's a "t" in there. That says "audit".
Peter: No, Brian, it's a foreign car... the "t" is silent. Sweet, I'm gettin' an Audi!
Chris [lifts up his shirt]: I have an innie
- Permalink: Oh my god, it's better than I thought. An Audi! I'm gettin' a ca...
Susan Sarandon: Hi, I'm Susan Sarandon. A lot of you know me as Tim Robbins' mother, but I'm actually his girlfriend. And this is Stewie. Stewie: What the deuce?
Susan Sarandon: For less then a ticket price for one of my movies about capital punishment or neo-feminism, you can make sure Stewie never goes hungry again.
Stewie: Yes, and from the look of those sweater cows, so could you
- Permalink: What the deuce? For less then a ticket price for one of my mov...