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Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's... that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one.

Peter: Well, I'm gettin' something really special too. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinaman boy down the street. More special like... like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happened to K. Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard.
Brian: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter: I drift in and out

Chris: Dad, I tried to go to school but this guy won't let me.
Peter: Oh yeah? Him and what army?
Chris: The U.S. Army.
Peter: Oh, that's a good army

Brian: Face it, Peter. It's over. Why don't you sit down with the mayor and negotiate some kind of treaty?
Peter: Negotiate? Peter Griffin doesn't know the meaning of the word "negotiate."

From this day forth, this territory will be known as Petoria. I was gonna call it Peterland, but that gay bar down by the airport already took it

Peter: Barkeep, petro nemo slappywag. That's Petorian for "More beer, you slappywag."
Horace: You still owe me for the other rounds, which comes to fifty bucks.
Peter: I'm a foreign diplomat. I don't pay for drinks. Do you think G. Gordon Liddy paid for his drinks while he was strangling people with piano wire for the good of our nation?

Lois: It's time to call this whole thing off. Nobody's on our side.
Peter: Are you nuts? Look at all these telegrams. "Nice going, Libya." "You da man, North Korea." "Great job, Iraq." Iraq, Lois! You know what? I'm gonna invite a few of these fellas over for a party

Peter: Good morning, Joe.
Joe: Uh, Peter, what are you doing in my pool?
Peter: This is the newest province of Petoria. I call it "Johio."
Joe: What? You can't just come over here and annex my pool.
Peter: Yeah? Well, according to paragraph seven, sentence three, word eight of the Geneva Convention, "The." So tough luck, Swanson

Peter: First, I will return Joe's pool.
Joe: Oh, you got that right.
Peter: In exchange, I demand access to it on alternate weekends.
Joe: No.
Peter: Accepted. I also demand to remain my own independent nation.
Adam West: Absolutely not.
Peter: How about you just give me your pen?
Adam West: You mean this cheap little pen we have millions of back at the office?
Peter: Yeah.
Adam West: No

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