Episode 11: "Dial Meg for Murder"
Mort: What kind of birdhouse can you build with popsicles, roofies, and a rubber mallet?
Herbert: It's for a rare African bird called "none your business." [permalink]
Black Inmate [to Meg]: Did you also get caught trying to vote in Ohio? [permalink]
Peter: Hold on, Lois, this is some serious parenting, I'm gonna go put on my Cosby sweater. [permalink]
Stewie: Wow, Meg's one of those crazy chicks that hooks up with an even crazier guy... cuts to Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy. [permalink]
Episode 10: "Big Man on Hippocampus"
Brian: Having sex with Quagmire is inevitable, like a fat guy ordering dessert when everyone else wants to leave.
Waiter: Would anyone like dessert?
Man: I couldn't eat another thing.
Woman: I gotta get home for the sitter.
Fat Man: I'll have the souffle.
Waiter: That takes 45 minutes.
Fat Man: That's okay. [permalink]
Brian: What the hell is all this?
Peter: Well I'm a bachelor so now I invited a bunch of people over and now I'm waiting for them to leave. That's what bachelors do. [permalink]
Crocodile Dundee: That's not a knife, this is a knife.
Peter: This is also a knife.
Crocodile Dundee: Well then, I'll be on my way.
Peter: I want to see more of him and then suddenly none of him... forever. [permalink]
Peter [on Family Feud answering something you'd like to receive as a gift]: Well my whole family agreed on money, so I'm going to go with the flute that Captain Picard played, first in his imagination and then in real life, in the episode "The Inner Light" from Star Trek: The Next Generation. [permalink]
Richard Dawson: Name something you sit in.
Lois: A chair.
Stewie: My own feces.
Richard Dawson: Name a popular fruit.
Lois: Orange.
Stewie: Clay Aiken.
Richard Dawson: Something in your closet.
Lois: Shoes.
Stewie: A scary monster.
Richard Dawson: Your favorite holiday.
Lois: Christmas.
Stewie: 911.
Richard Dawson: Name something you do on the weekend.
Lois: Go to church.
Stewie: Black guys. [permalink]
Man: And we're picking you because you have three sons.
Meg: But I'm...
Peter: Shut up, Meg. [permalink]
Stewie [watching Lawrence of Arabia]: Who's that rather attractive woman on a camel?
Brian: That's Peter O'Toole.
Peter: You movie buffs might likes this, both of his names are slang for penis. [permalink]
Episode 9: "Business Guy"
Peter: Hey Peggy, that fart I had at three, can you push it up to now?
Peggy [over intercom]: Very good sir.
[Peter farts] [permalink]
Peter: Keep it up Lois and I might fire you.
Lois: You wouldn't.
Peter: Does the name, Lacey Chabert mean anything to you?
Lois: Okay, I'll behave.
Peter: Yes, you will. [permalink]
Lois: Is my father going to be okay, Dr. House?
Dr. House: He's in a coma, Mrs. Griffin. Listening to the sound of your voice, I'd say he's the lucky one. [permalink]
Peter: It sure was nice for you to invite us out on your yacht, mr Pewterschmidt.
Carter: It's not a boat, it's a yacht. Oh sorry, I thought you said boat. [permalink]
Episode 8: "Dog Gone"
Brian: Wait a sec, just to prove a point to me, you burned down a liquor store and murdered a dog?
Stewie: Just a stray.
Brian: ....Thank You. [permalink]
Lois: That's a great idea, maybe you can join PETA.
Peter: Join me for what?
Lois: No, PETA, the organization.
Peter: What organization?
Lois: PETA.
Peter: what?
Lois: PETA is an acronym, Peter.
Peter: No I'm not, I'm Catholic.
Stewie: Are we really doing this? [permalink]
Brian: I can't believe our society values the life of a dog less than a human. It's infuriating.
Stewie: That is infuriating. Maybe you should go bark at a tree and then chew on your balls for an hour. [permalink]
Chris: Can I get some covers over here?
Consuela: No, your fat keep you warm. [permalink]
Stewie [on the phone]: You're the new housekeeper aren't you?
Consuela: Si.
Stewie: I don't want to point fingers but I'm missing about thousand dollars of play money.
Consuela: I take.
Stewie: What? You took it?
Consuela: Si.
Stewie: Then give it back.
Consuela: Come get it, bitch. [permalink]
