Family Guy

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Read through our section of Family Guy quotes today. We update it on a weekly basis to include the most uproarious quips and one-liners from the funniest show on TV.

I don't speak for Jesus, I just get him trim.

Peter

Stewie: Boy this must be killing you. You're an atheist, and the one guy you don't believe in is getting to bang the woman of your dreams.
Brain: I don't have to take this! I'm out of here. Can you let me out?

Peter: Like, anything in the universe?
Jesus: Anything.
Peter: Brookstone massage chair.
Jesus: Are you sure?
Peter: Never been more sure about anything in my life.

Peter: Jesus, we're going to help you lose your virginity!
Quagmire: Oh god! I love sex!

Joe: Sex is overrated.
Peter: Stay out of this Joe.

Jesus: Uh hot ladies. Horny ones. Who, uh, sex on you.
Quagmire: What?
Jesus: Yeah, you know, they come back to your house and sit on your butt.

Peter: Oh look Jesus, you shouldn't be alone during Christmas. And if I remember correctly, isn't your birthday sometime soon too?
Jesus: Ah whatever, I'm fine. I'll probably just reheat some ramen and watch Grey's Anatomy.

You want me to pick up something on the way or, no you're good?

Peter

Oh it's not that much Lois, just infinity times what you bring home every week.

Peter

It's a living!

Meg

Oh I will find one. I mean, you are looking at the guy who found the fountain of youth. It is very far away from here,

Peter

Hey, its Thanksgiving. Shouldn't you be in Detroit losing a football game right about now.

Brian
Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 1961 in total
Simply put, it doesn't get any funnier than Family Guy quotes. And, also simply out, it doesn't get any more all-encompassing than our section of Family Guy quotes. We update it on a weekly basis and we organize it by season and by episode. So sit back now and try not to laugh riotously over these Family Guy quotes.

Family Guy Quotes

North Dakota, we're not even the best Dakota!

Peter

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley